Cancer, Depression and Me.

I hand on heart believe that Olanzopine & Venlafexine has saved my life. I look back on the past 2 years, I was ready kill myself, I was in the darkest place I've ever visited in my life. I look at myself now and I know I'm still unwell mentally but I've come so far from where I was, I'm so lucky to still be alive and I truly believe that the medication has saved me. Ive not thought about suicide for a good week, the festivities have kept my mind occupied which has been helpful. I mean christmas is pretty stressful but the stress has kept my busy, its been good for the mind. Ive decided I need to find a hobby, a craft so to speak.. not sure what yet but something would be good to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay. Who knows, I might start knitting. Ive currently got AC/DC Highway To Hell playing in my ears, it was one of dads funeral songs. It was the first song playing as they carried his coffin inside. He would of loved it haha.. God I miss that man more than an

So, all over Christmas myself and my children have all taken it in turns to be sick. The sickness bug well & truly took is all out! I'm glad Christmas is over, I hate in now my dad isn't here, it's just not the same anymore and I don't look forward to it. I'm still sober and it's coming upto January 1st when I'll be 2 years sober. I have craved alcohol so much it's unreal over Christmas, you'd think nearly 2 years in I'd be ok but nope.. Anyway, like I say I am still sober so that's good. Christmas morning I had my 4 boys sat with me opening their presents and it hit me hard that they are my reason to be alive, to be here for them. Can you imagine Christmas morning if I'd of killed myself, I would ruin their lives. They'd feel like I feel, completely lost, but on Christmas morning I felt even just for a moment like I belonged. I absolutely loved seeing all 4 of my boys together and sat with their mum. I'm getting stronger day

4 days until christmas, im so blessed to have 4 children because if I didnt have my children I wouldnt see anyone. Every christmas without fail id see my dad, well id see him every single day all year round so christmas just isnt the same anymore. I wish I could feel some what excited but theres just nothing in me anymore.. Christmas isnt the same when someone you love so dearly is in heaven. I still wear my smile around my kids and make out everything is ok but inside im crying. Everyone still goes on with their life, its like my dads death only impacted me, how is everyone going about their buisness and im still riddled with grief?? Anyway, merry christmas x

Santa came around the estate I live on tonight, it's people from the church I go that have dressed up & they hand selection boxes out to the children. The effort they put in to making it all look realistic is amazing, they really are amazing people. Anyway, the reason I write this blog is to tell you, watching my 7 year olds face light up when he saw Santa melted my heart. These moments are the reason I fight my depression everyday. My children are my reason. I always think to myself, what is my reason to be alive and its my children, I am alive for them. My boys are my absolute world and I love them with all my heart. I fight my intrusive thoughts everyday so I don't kill myself for my children.  How could I leave them behind, no one could love my boys the way their mum does. I wake up every day for them.

I will be 2 years sober on January 1st 2024. Hi, my name is Ann-louise and im an alcoholic. Being sober at Christmas is HARD! my go to christmas drink was always whisky mixed with baileys.. It use to blow my head off, but id always drink a full bottle of both in 1 night.. How bad is that?! Its only now im sober i realise I did infact have a massive drink problem. Im craving baileys at christmas but I refuse to give in, ive worked too damn hard to go back to my old life. I could drink a bottle of Jack Daniels whisky a day and think nothing of it! I really did have a drink problem. Now I wont even eat a desert that contains alcohol, im really strict with myself. Let me take you back to January 1st 2022, I decided to do the dryatholon and raise money for cancer research uk. I raised over £500. I got to the end of January sober and thought to myself. if I can do 31 days alcohol free then I can do more, I set myself small goals. I said to myself, see if you can do February too. I did and I

My dad would of been 59 today. I can't help but feel angry that he was taken from me at the young age of 55. He had so much more living to do and he was cruelly taken from me. Esophageal cancer is a nasty cancer that starves you to death. I'm feeling angry today and deeply saddened that my father isn't here. I miss him so much it hurts 💔  Happy heavenly birthday dad 🎈🎁🤍

I have been depressed for that many years, I dont know how to feel happiness.. I wouldnt know happiness if it hit me straight between the eyes! Im not looking forward to Christmas, but ill put on a smile for my children. Ive got good at my fake smiles, youd never know how depressed I really am. Im crying inside, my heart was shattered the day my father went away. How do you recover from the death of a parent? He wasnt just my parent, he was my best friend. I feel sick to my stomach that ill never get to see him again. Youre pribably sick of me talking about my dad but im riddled with grief, its killing me inside.. In 2 days it will be my fathers birthday and 3 years since his funeral. A birthday and funeral on the same day. It been 3 years and I still cant deal with the death of my father.

Coming out of school, I always ask my 7 year old "how was your day?".. He replied "it was good", like he usually does, but today he asked me "how was your day mummy?".. I replied saying "it was ok". As we were walking, I thought to myself, if only he knew that I spent my day completely alone, trapped inside my own head. I spend my days isolated and withdrawn. But to my children, my day was just "ok"...

On December 8th it will be my fathers birthday and also the day of his funeral, 3 years since his funeral. He was 55 years old when he passed away and his funeral was on his 56th birthday, he'll be turning 59 in 4 days.. Im heartbroken and filled with saddness that i'll never get to see him again. The next time I see my father will be when I pass away. I pray to see him everyday but all I have are my memories and photos around my house. Im so glad I always took so many photos because that is all I have left. Take the photos, photograph everything, because one day that is all we will have left. I miss my dad.

I was 700 days sober yesterday, battling depression and sobriety is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Everyday is a task to stay sober and stay alive. I'm doing it, I do it everyday, I just don't know how I do it...