Cancer, Depression and Me.

1,105 days since my dad passed away. 1,105 days of being completely alone. I don't know how I've made it to today & I don't know how I get through everyday to see the next.. Everyday I'm filled with complete emptiness & sorrow.

Olanzopine is keeping me alive, I swear.. Just thinking back to early last year 2022, I was that suicidal and tearful it was unreal. Since taking Olazopine, I feel like I can control my suicidal thoughts. They're still there in my head but I can reason with myself, I tell myself over and over that my kids need their mum. I go to sleep at night hoping I dont wake up but then im glad I do because my kids need me. No body, not even my children know the depths of my depression, only you that reads my blogs knows my deepest thoughts, who ever you are... Everything I feel, I blog. Blogging gets all my emotions out and I think it helps me venting on here. Im still waiting to feel happiness..........

Pretty shit if im completely honest. Im lost in this big world and im not sure I can be found. I search everyday to find the missing pieces but theyre lost. Somewhere out there is the girl I use to be, but I cant find her anywhere.. This new version of me is lonely, withdrawn and so very lost in life. This isnt me or is this going to be the new me? If this is a new me, I dont like what I see. I dont like the new version of me.. I dont know how to comunicate anymore, I dont know how to smile, I dont know who I am..... Do you know how hard it is living a life that you feel you dont belong? It so hard, every day is a battle to stay afloat. Im not even slowly dying inside, I died the day my father passed away. Ive come to terms with the fact ive had a breakdown and this is the road to recovery, but do you ever recover from losing a parent???

Got out of the house today, my son Jensen took me shopping. Its the small things that mean the most. Yesterday, I cried, my dads death has had a massive impact on my life. Im not the person I use to be, I dont even know who I am anymore... Personal hygiene is a task, I barely wash my hair, ive lost who I use to be and I dont know how to get me back. I dont paint my nails anymore, I dont wear makeup, im a shell of a person. Im nothing. I just exist. I use to be so bubly and outgoing. Now I barely say 2 words to people I see at school. Ive become so isolated and lonely. Its been 3 years and the grieving process started over 4 years ago, the day my dad said those words..Terminal cancer. I havent been right since. Pathological grief my psychiatrist said it was. I would give my own life for my dad to be alive, I cant even put into words how much I miss and love that man. He was my world. I miss him more than life itself.

3 years today, you were so cruelly taken away. Esophageal cancer is a cruel, cruel cancer. It starved my dad to death. My mind is plagued by imagines of my dying dad. I relive the day you passed away in my head, over and over again. I honestly don't know how I've made it through the last 3 years. I don't think I will ever get over the death of my father. He will forever be 55 years old 💔

I feel so deflated today, I've slept the whole day away. It'll be 3 years tomorrow since my dad passed away and I just keep reliving the day over and over in my head. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow so we can both keep each other company and occupy ourselves. We're going for coffee and breakfast. I just feel so deflated. I dont want to be around anyone and I dont want to even be alive. I struggle on a daily as it is but now its the day before my dads memorial, im really struggling today. Im tired, im so fucking tired of trying my best everyday to hide the pain I feel inside. Its a fucking battle, every fucking day is a battle to stay alive and no one knows only me!

In 2 days it will be 3 years since my father and best friend closed his eyes forever... It will of been 3 years of heartache and sadness.  3 years of loneliness.  3 years desperate to see my fathers face or hear his voice. It will of been 3 years battling with intrusive thoughts. 3 years of feeling dead inside. How on earth have I made it through these last 3 years? Deep down I know my dad is guiding me and keeping me strong. The last 3 years are a blur, I really don't know how I've made it this far without killing myself 💔

My dad would want me to live, but, how do you live when youre dead inside???? The day my father died, I died inside. A light went out. How do I live this life?

In just over a weeks time it will of been 3 years since my father passed away, my best friend left me all alone.. Not really sure how I have managed to stay alive these past few years. As a mother, we must get our strength from our children because they are the only reason I am still here. Dissociation is a real thing because I have very little memory of the past 3 years, I honestly dont know how ive made it. Where have the last 3 years gone?

Am I enjoying life? Nope But am I still alive? Yes So I guess I should feel blessed that I get to see another day... Another day of seeing my children, I really am blessed when I think about it. I just wish I didnt have the intrusive thoughts I get daily. At least im becoming strong enough to fight my demons. I have a roof over my head and my 4 children are all healthy. Im trying to focus on the positives I have in life. Its so damn hard, trying to remain positive when you feel dead inside, but here I am making it work. I might hate life, but im living proof that we do become strong enough to fight our demons. I am living proof, lets face it.

So hows life going?? Same as usual, im just surviving.. The days roll into one, I wake up and cant wait go back sleep. I find no enjoyment in being alive. None whats so ever. I dont want to die, but, I also dont want to be alive. Fucked up isnt it!? To be trapped in your own mind is absoloute torture.