Every day is like groundhog day, I tell myself, its not just you Ann-louise, other people feel the way I do.. But that doesnt really help how I feel. I know im not the only person to struggle with life. Depression is so real and it doesnt get talked about enough. Ive been depressed for as long as I can remember, but that day my father passed away, a switch got turned off inside of me. A light went out. My world went dark. My whole world was turned upside down. I didnt just lose my father that day, I lost my bestfriend in whole world. I wonder if ill still be here this time next year?...
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You know, I smile at people when I do the school run and theyd never know how dark and depressed I am inside. I hide it so well. I feel like crying today, my fathers death punches me in the gut every single day. I cant deal with his death.. What a sad, lonely, withdrawn from the world, person I have become. Im consumed by emptiness and sorrow. I act like im ok when anybody asks, but deep down, I am dead inside. How do I get through this grieving process?? Theres a dark hole inside my gut, its like a weight I carry around with me everyday. How can emptiness feel so heavy???
I died that day too.
Just sat listening to some of dads songs, dont know why I did, I just did and now im filled with sadness. He was only 55 years old!! Im so angry with life, maybe this is why im not enjoying being alive, is it because im filled with so much sadness and anger over my fathers death. How can I be happy when im filled with grief?!? I miss that man more than anything in the entire world, im consumed with death and grief. Theres no room for happiness because im eaten away at by death and darkness. The day my father died, I died inside too.
Keep seeing adverts on tv about funeral care, so thought to myself, maybe I should plan mine now as you never know when youre going to kill yourself right?!? Wrong!.. you have to be over 50 to take out a plan!! What about us that dont think we'll make it to 50?? Anyway, thats that plan gone out the window. I know I sound morbid, ive always been a morbid person, ive never been scared to die, maybe thats because ive suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I hope one day I can look back on my blogs and see how far ive come, I hope one day I find true happiness in life. We can all wish, right?
Im having a better day today, I mean its been well over 2 weeks since I last had a better day so im glad its finally arrived! Dont get me wrong, I still wish id just die in my sleep but im happy to be alive to see my children another day. EUPD is horrible, you just dont know how youre going to feel one day to the next. I keep thinking about christmas, im not excited at all, I just hope I make it as good as I can for my children. As much as it pains me, I do plan on staying alive. Thats the plan anyway but who knows...
It's been 6 days since my last blog.. I'm still alive, still deeply depressed. 1 of the things I was diagnosed with was Pathological Grief, makes sense because it's been nearly 3 years since my dad passed away, yet I'm still grieving like it happened yesterday. 💔 I don't know how you get over the death of a parent. I keep thinking, he was only 55 years old, it eats away at me how young he was. My dad always worked, he was such a hard working man and still managed to help me with everything I needed in-between working. He did everything for me but he never thought me how to live a life without him. I'm so sad inside without my dad...
Saturday October 7th
How am I feeling? Lost. I feel so lost in life. If I'm honest, I'm sick of waking up and doing the same shit everyday. I keep telling myself, do something, get out the house, do something with your life and then anxiety tells me to sit the fuck back down. Having depression and anxiety all rolled into one is absolute fucking torture! Being alive is torture! I keep reminding myself that things will get better but I've been waiting over 3 years now to 'get better', I mean how long am I suppose to suffer in order to get 'better'????? I guess if I sit back and think about this time last year, when I was on the verge of killing myself, in that respect I am better than I was. I mean I'm still struggling with wanting to be alive, but last year I wasn't even leaving my bed, so I guess I am doing better. So maybe this time next year I will feel a lot better, who knows? Fingers crossed ay.. I'll either be dead or doing better this time next year, I guess w
My dad's death has destroyed me, I wish I was dead but I don't want to die because I have 4 children. Every single day is survival of the fittest, every day I fight to stay alive purely for my children. It's coming upto 3 years since my dad died, 3 whole years.. how have I made it this long feeling this depressed. I feel like the medication & having children are the only thing keeping me alive. I HATE my life. The only good thing about it is my children and for them I am so grateful. I know hand on heart if I didn't have children I wouldn't be alive now and that's so sad, but true.