Cancer, Depression and Me.

Can't seem to snap myself out of this low mood, it's been a week now and I still feel shit about being alive. I thought to myself earlier, it is 11:51am now, if I was not here who would do the laundry. Hahahahaa honestly, I could cry. I do everything for my boys, they are the reason I live. The days seem to just roll into one, i'm still waiting to find my purpose in life. I'm really contemplating life today but things pop in my head that make me realise I need to stick around. Who would make sure my kids have clean clothes, I honestly think my kids would be devastated, the thought of them feeling like I do smacks me up the face. I'd never want anyone to feel the way I do since my dad passed away. I don't want to be medicated in life, I don't want to have to live like this, I wear HRT, a patch I change every 3 days thanks to cancer i'm going through the Menopause, I take medication in the morning and night time. I'm sick of living like this. I'm s

I keep thinking about what purpose I am in life, it's sad that I feel this way. I know i'm a mum but who am I as a person, as an individual? I'm so lost in life. The more I think about it, i've been lost for many years but I covered it with alcohol, i'm nearly a year and half sober and I just feel a little lost in life. My dads death, definitely switched a switch off, inside of me. I feel empty. I'm so sad and lonely, so many people around me, yet I feel so alone. I sit by myself most days, trapped in my own thoughts, no motivation to leave the house. I do my daily chores and I go to bed, I wake up, I repeat and so on.. I quit my job, don't really know why and I died my hair bright pink. What a fucked up mess I am. Forgot say, not sure if I mentioned I was doing a home study course but I am, well, was, its a 12 week Suicide and Selfharm Prevention course, anyway I completed it in 2 weeks. Ok bye xxx

God i'm so fucking depressed, I can't seem to get a break in life! The sadness I feel inside is overwhelming today, I've had a few bad days now, actually, I think it's been a week.. This is my life. What a sad existance.

2 years ago today I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer,  it's all still really a blur. Everything happened so fast, from diagnosis to CT scan and MRI scan to major open surgery.. it all just happened in a flash. This diagnosis was 5 months after the death of my beloved father,  he was only 55 years old. It makes sense really, the Chronic Depression, how do you process all of the above? I can't deal with what's happened. I'm definitely not the same person I was before these tragic events, Cancer changes a person. Also, I just died my hair pink. Crazy.

It's been a few days now and I still don't feel myself. I'm tired. I think I am tired of wearing my fake smile. I also quit my job a few days ago, I couldn't see a progression from what I was doing. Does that make sense? I was a lunch time supervisor, it was an hour a day, smack bang in the middle of the day. Anyway, i'm ok, i'll get another job. There is a reason i'm still here, I just need to be patient and everything will work out (fingers crossed).

I don't feel myself today, I've seen alot of Angel Number formations. I feel like I'm having a bad mental health day. That's what I call my low days. No other way of describing them really. A bad mental health day. I feel sad but I'm not sure why. Tried snap myself out of it and I can't, so thought I'd blog. I always feel better after a blog!😊 I'm trying lose weight, could be the lack of sugar, I don't really know. I'll be ok though, I'll get through this bad day.

I think I write these blogs in the hope of getting the saddness out, if that makes sense. No one reads my blog so basically, it is me writing to me, yet, I can't bring myself read back what I write. Once it's out my system, it's done with. I have said it before, but I will say it again, this blog may of saved my life.. along with Olazopine. So, how is my life going? It's a struggle! I was thinking to myself yesterday, we're in April 2023 now, it will be 3 years in November since I lost my dad and every single day, all through out the day, I relive his pain and death. I know they say 'time is a healer' but when exactly? When will the thoughts about my dads passing get better? As much as I am trying to do this thing called life, I can't help but think I need to medicated just to survive. It is fucking shit. I'm still doing my Suicide and Selfharm course, it's going ok. I resignate with everything I have learnt upto now and it's made me realise

My dad died and my whole life was turned upside down. My days went dark. Nothing will mend my heart.

I rememebr months ago crying on the phone to my Psychiatrist, whilst crying I remember saying 'I don't want to die and I am scared I am going to kill myself'. Do you know how hard it is for a person to cry out for help? It's pretty hard! Im going go out on a limb and say, if you follow my blog, you've either been where I am or you're currently going through hell like I do daily. Do you know how hard it is, to not kill myself? That too, is pretty fucking hard! When you've got someone you love above you and little people around me that need me, the struggle is REAL. Like, every fucking day is a god damn hard battle, I so desperately want to see my dad, but, my kids need their mom. I have enrolled on a Suicide and Selfharm course that I start today. What do I hope to gain, I hear you say.. Well, I want to understand more about the whole situation, I want to know what is wrong with me and when i've done that, then, I want to help others who struggle with lif