March 1st Sunday.

I think I write these blogs in the hope of getting the saddness out, if that makes sense. No one reads my blog so basically, it is me writing to me, yet, I can't bring myself read back what I write. Once it's out my system, it's done with. I have said it before, but I will say it again, this blog may of saved my life.. along with Olazopine. So, how is my life going? It's a struggle! I was thinking to myself yesterday, we're in April 2023 now, it will be 3 years in November since I lost my dad and every single day, all through out the day, I relive his pain and death. I know they say 'time is a healer' but when exactly? When will the thoughts about my dads passing get better? As much as I am trying to do this thing called life, I can't help but think I need to medicated just to survive. It is fucking shit. I'm still doing my Suicide and Selfharm course, it's going ok. I resignate with everything I have learnt upto now and it's made me realise how far I have come. I still want to die most days but I fight myself to stay alive. It really is Me V Me. We're in week 2 of the Easter holidays, no routine, really messes with my head. The weight gain.. Let's talk about the weight gain from Olazopine.! I have gained 2 stone since taking this medication. Sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need the tablets to feel some what normal, yet now I fucking hate the way I look.. Welcome to the wonderful fucked up world of me :( Anyway, if anyone ever reads my blogs, just rememeber to take each day, one day at a time and eventually (i've been told) things will get better. Sending lots of peace and love your way xxx