I keep thinking about what purpose I am in life, it's sad that I feel this way.
I know i'm a mum but who am I as a person, as an individual?
I'm so lost in life.
The more I think about it, i've been lost for many years but I covered it with alcohol, i'm nearly a year and half sober and I just feel a little lost in life.
My dads death, definitely switched a switch off, inside of me. I feel empty.
I'm so sad and lonely, so many people around me, yet I feel so alone.
I sit by myself most days, trapped in my own thoughts, no motivation to leave the house.
I do my daily chores and I go to bed, I wake up, I repeat and so on..
I quit my job, don't really know why and I died my hair bright pink.
What a fucked up mess I am.
Forgot say, not sure if I mentioned I was doing a home study course but I am, well, was, its a 12 week Suicide and Selfharm Prevention course, anyway I completed it in 2 weeks.
Ok bye xxx
June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
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