Cancer, Depression and Me.

So, I started this medication last night, after about 10 minutes I was asleep. I woke up once for the toilet and then straight back sleep. I've never slept that well, ever.. The only problem is, today, I don't feel myself. I feel jittery inside, if that sort of makes sense. I lost my balance when I first got out of bed and saw yellow blobs of colour on the floor. I feel like my body is going faster than my thoughts. It's hard explain but I'm sure you know what I mean, anyway, let's hope my body gets use to this new medication and I start to feel better. xoxo 

Not sure if I've mentioned before the medication I already take, but since I was a teenager, I've taken various antidepressants. The past few years though I've been taking 300mg a day of Venlafexine, now I've been diagnosed as having Chronic Depression (Manic Depressive) I start Olanzapine (Antipsychotic, Mood Stabilisers) tonight. I am praying that these improve my existence, because I really am struggling to get through each day. 

Jesus take the wheel, because I can't do this on my own.

Last night, well from 4pm onwards, my mental health spiraled out of control.  4, yes 4 times I tried to ring the Mental Health Access Team out of hours, when someone finally answered, basically the lady told me to drink some water and that my dad's death was nature!!! Nature, drink water? Is she fucking for real??!!!!! After raising my voice, trying to explain how low I felt and that my dad was only 55 years old and how I'd had cancer after his death, she proceeded to tell me about her father that had died... not being funny but fuck off!!!! Apparently she couldn't see him as he was in his home country..  like I already said 'Fuck Off'!!! I didn't ring out of hours for help, to be told to drink fucking water, and that my fucking dad dying age 55 was part of life, stupid bitch!!! How these people get a job is beyond me because I can get more empathy from my 6 year old son. Absolutely disgusted!! Unless you've walked in my fucking shoes and lived how I have si...

 I am trying my best to stick around for my children but right at this very moment, as i write this, i want to die. I've never hated life so much.  I can't seem to do anything right, all i do is cook, clean, wash the dishes, wash/dry/iron the boys clothes and pay bills that are sky high. ... and this is meant to be life???????? I've got no social life anymore, i don't see a single person until i do the school run. I don't drink alcohol, well because if i did, i can guarantee you'd have attended my funeral already. I have been treated like shit from the age of 17, all my young adult life has been ruined and any bit of love i've had shown towards me, gets snatched away because i'm not important enough. My mums side of the family have disowned me because of my mental health, my brother has cut me dead, roughly 8 months ago and he was my best friend along with my Dad. My mum tries help me but i don't think she really understands the depth of my illness. ...

Sat crying as per usual 😢  My dad passing away, I died with him. I must of, because life since, has been a blur.

The thought of living this life for another 30 or so years, just doesn't sit well with me. I was thinking earlier, whilst I was at the gym, I thought to myself, I don't drink, I don't smoke, what exactly is my purpose in life besides being a mother?? There isn't one..

So I have a Jesse-John free evening as he's having a sleep over with Damian. For anyone that didn't know, Damian is the biological father to my 3 older boys, but considering Jesse's sperm donor is... We'll say absent because don't get me started on him. That shit triggers me! So anyway,  Damian has taken Jesse under his wing since my dad departed and the pair of them are best of friends. It doesn't take dna to be a parent, it takes consistent love and affection.  As for Zoe, who you'll know was my partner, well don't get started on her either, because it's slipped her mind she's Jesse other mummy. Jesse has all he needs.

Losing my dad has changed my life forever, I will never be the same Ann-louise I was. I'm so lost, I don't even know who I am, my whole world has been completely turned upside down. I can't seem to find a way out if this dark, deep, cold, lonely hole I'm stuck in. I have moments of highs where I'll dance around the house with the kids and then boom, I'm back down to where I was. It's like, I get a glance of what I could be all the time and then it gets cruelly snatched away. I don't know what I've done in my life to deserve everything that is getting thrown at me but, I'm sorry.

When people say, they've hit rock bottom, I often think to myself.. have you though, have you really hit rock bottom? Or are you having a bad day?, you see, I thought I'd hit rock bottom the day my dad was cruelly taken from me at the young age of 55!! But then 5 months after like I wasn't already fucked up, I have cancer... You couldn't make this shit up I kid you not, so not only did I lose my best friend but the person I wouldn't of even have to ring first, as I know he would of been by my side, wasn't here when I was told, sat alone infront of 2 medical professionals and heard the news I had cancer. Today I went for an ECG and bloods ready to start mood stabilisers.  Morale of the story is.. I hit rock bottom and it turns out it had a basement that I have also hit. I'm now diagnosed as a manic depressive. I know rock bottom.

Just lay in the bath, with no energy and my arms flopped over side.. I lay there and thought to myself, how peaceful would it be now to watch blood trickle from my wrsits after slashing them with the blades out of my shaver. Welcome to fucking Bipolar 😭 Welcome to the intrusive shit I have to deal with on a daily basis!!

Sat on my bed crying! Oh well, I had a good 3 days.  Don't even know what else write, I've not even got the energy write how I feel on here. I've had enough, I am sick of trying to be happy. Tell you what, it's a good job my 6 year old keeps me on my toes or I'd be dead already.. The only thing stopping me from hitting the bottle is knowing the fact, I wouldn't be able control these fucking intrusive thoughts 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

So today I got my lashes done, so fed up of feeling low and looking horrible. My son, Jensen, bless him did take me and collect me after 💙 I'm so blessed to have birthed 4 amazing boys. Today is a good day and I am thankful 🙏🏼 

Woke up a different person today, welcome to the wonderful world of Ann-louise! Woke up, brushed my teeth ( I can go days without doing this, washing or even brushing my hair. ) Been in the garden, doing washing, been dancing around the house to music. Slow cooked a joint of beef for my boys. Basically, today, I actually gave a shit about life. My son took me collect my medication and I even went into a supermarket without feeling sick. Wonder what tomorrow will bring...x x x

 So i had time to process, i've been in such a dark place for so long and i still am. It was like it was fate or i on the other hand believe my dad is guiding me. He can see my from up there and he saw my life spiral out of control, after he passed away, he can see that i've not even acknowledged my own cancer, 2021 was a complete blur, i've got zero recollection of anything.  I'm 38 years old and finally get diagnosed with Bipolar! I feel like my young adult life has been ruined by Depression and Alcohol.. Yes i am indeed still sober, not touched a drop. I also stopped eating meat, cut out diet fizzy pop because that doesn't help and health wise i feel better . So, anyway, i saw a new Psychiatrist the other day, she had taken over my case. It was like she was sent to me, because for the first time since my teenage years i was heard.. now i've still got depression but a lot of other things i do, say and buy means something else. Everything makes sense now. My be...