Cancer, Depression and Me.

My brother came yesterday and he was non stop talking about himself and his job for what seemed like forever. He realised, stopped talking and then asked about my life.. I had nothing to say. We laughed about the fact I had nothing to say, but in reality, its pretty sad. My life is like groundhog day. Fighting everyday to stay alive. Its fucking exhausting! Just seen a post on Facebook that said, what if living is all a dream and when we die, we wake up. I wish this was all a bad dream, but I know its not. It would be nice if when we died we actually woke up. My life is like a bad dream. I'm so depressed. I can't wait to die. Christmas is in a few weeks, ive hardly brought anything and I already can't wait for it to be over and done with. Christmas isn't the same anymore since one of my children died. I'm heartbroken. I'm tired of life, im tired of fighting depression everyday. I'm convinced one day it will kill me. How many more years can I live like this? ...

Not taken Jesse school today. We woke up and Jesse said he didn't want go school, so I thought nor do I, so we went back to sleep. Don't judge me. Some days i just dont feel like doing life. My sister has just left, shes been here a few hours. She's not been my house in forever, so it was nice to see her. Since shes split up with her partner of 16 years, we've seen and heard from her more. My brother has been on face time through wattsapp so it was like we were all together haha. My brother hates missing out. Anyway, I dont feel too bad today, probably because my sister has been to visit. She says she suffers with anxiety too, which made me feel better. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me, and then I remind myself that my son and dad are dead, and I had cancer.. ever likely my head is fucked! I'm desperately trying to find myself, but im having no luck. I think the old me has gone forever and im living this new version of myself. My whole world has b...

I'm not doing good, mentally speaking. I'm tired of life. I wish I could just kill myself if im honest. Tired of grief and depression. Feel like they're slowly killing me off. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, could of easily stayed in bed cuddled up with Jesse, but I know come 11am he starts to do my head in and I sit wishing I'd of taken him school haha. Love him to bits, but I love the break when he's at school. Jensen gave me £90 last night to help me. Christmas is killing me financially, so for him to give me some money made my heart melt. Tell you what, my life might be a mess, but one thing I got right is how ive brought my children up. They're polite, well mannered boys and they make me so proud to be their mum. My reasons to live. Everything I do is for them. When suicide crosses my mind, which it does most days, I think of my boys not having a mother, a brother and a grandfather. I just couldnt do it to them. Who knows, one day depression...

Wanted to kill myself this morning. Thought about it, and then snapped myself out of it. For a second I thought about killing myself. I keep asking myself, why am I still here? How am I getting through each day? Where is my strength coming from? I'll be honest, i dont know. I dont know why I keep going, well I do, its the thought of leaving my kids with no mother. The only reason im not dead already, is because I couldnt bare the thought of my kids feeling the way I feel after losing my father and son. The pain I feel, I just couldnt bare it if my sons felt this way. They are my reason to keep going. I'd love nothing more than to end my own life, but I simply can't do it. I'm tired though, im emotionally drained from grieving. Its a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. I went out with my friends yesterday, I had a lovely few hours. Wanted to tell them how depressed I was, but I couldnt find the words. Didn't want to ruin our day out. Its easier to just blog a...

Yesterday was 5 years for my dad. My brother came down for the day and we talked about dad and the memories we have of him. I'm just broken hearted. How have I made it through the last 5 years? Dad's death, me having cancer and then my son dies.. how am I still here? Ive got up this morning and showered, had to force myself to shower. Depression is horrible. I'm going a Christmas fare with 3 of my friends soon. Don't really feel like going, but im going to force myself to get out of this house. Its at Ford Green Hall. Ive just been looking at a canvas on my wall of my boys and my heart breaks that Jay-Dee is no longer here. I just want to see my dad and son again. I just wish I was dead. This isn't living. Forcing myself to do stuff when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. I'm doing it for my boys. Ive got no motivation, im not looking forward to Christmas. I'm spending money i haven't got. I'll be glad when its over if im honest. I'm sic...

5 years tomorrow since my dad's death. 19 months he fought for his life whilst Esophageal cancer starved him to death infront of my eyes. Watching someone you love deteriorate everyday is the worst thing ever. I was and still am a daddy's girl. My father was my best friend. I never went a day without seeing my dad and then he was gone forever. The pain I feel inside is horrible. I could cry. It doesnt get easier, you just learn to carry grief better. I was trying to get better, but my sons death has sent me back into dark grief. I feel so lonely without my dad. We did everything together. He really was my best friend and I miss him so much. I pray that my dad is looking after my son for me. I feel like shit today. Mentally drained. Grief is tiring. Everyone seems to be getting on with their lives, moving forward and im stuck in grief. Its horrible. I wish my life was all a bad dream, but its not and it kills me inside. Can't believe its been over a year since my child tragi...