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January 20th Monday.

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Yesterday was a hard day that seemed to last forever. The day was so long. I've been the cafe this morning and I tried to involve myself in the conversation as much as I could. I have to push myself to talk. I have nothing to say anymore. It's so sad. Grief is horrible. I just keep thinking to myself that in a couple of years I'll be better won't I? My mental health is shockingly poor. I've just got no interest in being alive and that's so sad. I keep thinking I need a job to get me out of this house and then I remember how bad my anxiety is some days. It's a task some days to leave the house so how the fuck am I meant to go to work. I'm so depressed it's unreal. Here I am again blogging about how shit my life is. I hate been stuck in this house, it drives me insane. I have to remind myself that I'm not alone in the way I feel.  I can imagine there's alot of people that feel the way I do. Doesn't make it any easier though. My days consist...
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January 18th Saturday.

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I've not blogged for a few days as I had nothing to write about. All I ever do is blog about how depressed I am. I've had a better week, my friends have been a couple of times to see me. My brother came yesterday for a few hours. It's done me good seeing people. I go the cafe every morning to see my other friends. Its not been to bad mentally speaking. The weekends are always hard because I don't leave the house much. Anxiety with depression is horrible.  I've been take the dog for a walk so Jesse could go out on his scooter. He went Damians last night in the hot tub with Mabel. I'll be honest, I don't know how I'm getting through each day, but I am and that's the main thing I guess. I pray alot for strength and I've got some really good friends that support me. I've never got much to talk about anymore, I've got no interest in life, its pretty sad. I honestly wish I'd just die in my sleep. I was walking Asda the other day and a lorry...
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January 15th Wednesday.

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I've felt like shit the past few days, I reached out to my friends and they came to visit me last night. I'm so lucky to have supportive friends.  Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, couldn't bring myself to get out of bed,  but I've taken him today and been the cafe to see my other friends.  I've been Asda to get the ingredients to make a lasagne for tea with fresh carrots.  I'm feeling pretty shitty if I'm honest.  I've got nothing in me, I feel drained all the time.  I'm just having a cup of tea then I plan on going back sleep. I'm so depressed.  It kills me getting out of bed in the morning, I'm just constantly tired, which I'm putting down to the depression.  I don't know what more I can do to make myself feel better. I'm seeing my friends as much as I can but I'm still depressed.  I'm grieving. Life is hard work isn't it? Grief is so hard to deal with. I miss my son more than anything. Jensen isn't moving...
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January 12th 32 weeks.

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It's been 32 weeks without my child and its not getting any easier. My heart aches for my son. I've not felt to bad the past few days, my mate came yesterday and we had a good chat and lots of cups of tea. I seem to be addicted to tea. I mean there's worse things I could be addicted to so it's ok. I hate Sundays, I hate that I've not seen my son for 32 weeks. I'm not sure how I've gotten through the last 32 weeks but I have and that's the main thing I guess. Just got to take things day by day. I'm determined to get better mentally. I'm pushing myself to do more regardless of my anxiety. You know what scares me? The dark days I have where I'm suicidal. I'm scared that one day they'll be too much and I'll end up killing myself. It's hard to think about the better days when I'm having a dark day. The darkness consumes me. It's easy for people to say, think about the better days, when I'm consumed with darkness it'...
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January 10th 2025 Friday.

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Today I turn 41. If I'm honest, I'm shocked I'm still alive. I honestly didn't think I'd see my 41st birthday, but here I am fighting for my life. This day last year I went out for a meal with my 4 boys and this year I only have 3 of my children with me. It's a sad day. I've had presents and cards and I'm very grateful.  The past couple of days I've felt a bit better mentally. Thank God. On them dark days where I'm suicidal, I have to fight through them and I need to remember that I do have better days, but on them dark days it's so hard to even think about better days. The mind doesn't work like that. My mind tells me to kill myself on them dark days.  I've got no plans for today. I've been the cafe with my friends which does me the world of good. They're so supportive. They know how much I'm struggling.  My brother is coming after he's finished work so I won't be on my own today. Anyway, happy birthday to me.
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January 8th. Wednesday.

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Yesterday was an extremely difficult day for me. I didn't think I'd make it to today, so I rang the crisis team last night because I needed to talk to someone. I lay in the bath and all I could think about was self harming, but I didn't do it. Thank god. I had alot of people praying for me yesterday and I'm so thankful. I did the school run this morning and went straight back bed and spent the day there until it was time to pick Jesse up. I can't believe how unwell I am mentally. My dad's death destroyed me, but having a child pass away is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I've got some friends coming soon for a cup of tea and a chat which will do me good. I'm so glad I reached out last night for help because I'm not sure if still be here today if I hadn't of. The crisis team at the sutherland center have rang me today to see if I'm ok and honestly, I feel a bit better than I did yesterday.  I'm literally living hour by...
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January 7th Tuesday.

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I had a panic attack last night, in my own house. I was panicking about doing the school run this morning. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm really struggling with life. I've taken Jesse school, filled with anxiety. I went to see my friends in the cafe and the whole time I sat there I was anxious. I didn't have alot to say to them and I cried.  I don't think I can do life anymore. I just can't do it. Everyday is a battle. It's killing me off slowly. I'm not doing well.  I had to take my dog out for a walk last night so I could breathe. I felt suffocated in the house. I'm anxious now as I type this. I've gone off food, it started about 6 weeks ago and now I'm a stone and half down in weight, which is a good thing but it's not good that I'm barely eating anything. I just want to feel better. 
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