Cancer, Depression and Me.

Week 4 of my bereavement course today. I cried for the whole 2 hours, talking about my dad and my son. Id say I feel better for crying, but I dont. I feel very emotional today. I told them how I have this silent scream inside of me, that desperately wants to come out. I think thats what I need, I need to scream out loud. It will be 20 weeks on Sunday without my son. How on earth have I made it through the last 5 months?? Everything is a blur. Im stuck in grief and life is passing me by. I was telling them on the course that it will be 4 years for my dad next month, and how ive got no recollection of the past 4 years. I honestly dont know how im doing life. I just dont understand how im still functioning. Im so tired, mentally speaking. Im drained. Grief is draining isnt it? I told them today that the only reason im alive today is because of my other children, or id happily join my son and dad. I broke my heart. What a shit day.

Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Had a shit day, but today I've gotten up and taken him to school. Just taken my dog for a walk and been Asda. Same shit, different day! My life is like groundhog day, I dunno, maybe I'm still feeling a bit shitty. People praise me for being so strong, but I'm not strong. If I was I wouldn't be reliant on medication to keep me alive. I've just told a friend I was speaking to, that the medication has saved my life. Before I was put on Olanzopine I wasn't leaving my bed, I was in such a dark, dark place. I just wanted to die. If it wasn't for the medication I know I wouldn't be here. Very powerful stuff is Olanzopine.  It's an anti psychotic medication and I belive hand on heart, it saved my life. I'm not strong, I just put on a strong front. I smile and the whole time, I'm dying inside.

19 weeks today. Since my son tragically died. Today, Damian is coming to start sorting Jay-Dees room. I cant bring myself to help him. Im keeping his work jacket with me, but the rest of his things are going in the loft. We'll not get rid of anything, I couldnt bare to throw his things away. When is the right time to sort his room out? Jesses 8 and hes still in my bedroom, so we decided to start sorting the room out for Jesse to move into. Not really sure how I feel about it, I want Jesse in his own room, but I also dont want to lose Jay-Dees room. Why prolong the inevitable, its got to be sorted at some point, im just glad its Damian doing it, because I cant even go in the room for longer than a few minutes. It kills me inside. My son Jensen has started the process with work, for a permanent move to Colombia, where his girl friend lives. I am going to miss him so much but hes got to do whats right for him. I couldnt be prouder of my boys. Ive told him hes got to ring me at least o

So, I met up with my sister. We had coffee, I got my new tattoo, ill put a photo on, and then we went Christmas shopping. My sister brought so much for her children and I didn't buy a thing. I couldn't bring myself to buy anything christmassy, I told my sister, I'm not ever putting decorations up this year. I'll put some lights around my sons urn and hang the boys stockings above the fire and that's it. I know I should make more of an effort because of Jesse but, I'm sure he'll understand. I'm just not feeling festive at all. It will be 19 weeks on Sunday since I lost my child. 19 whole weeks of silent screams, 19 weeks of complete heartache. My heart actually aches.  Oh god, if I didn't have my other children I would happily kill myself.(big sighhh)

I've been thinking about my dad alot just lately, I just can't believe it will be 4 years next month since he passed away. I've got no recollection of the past 4 years. I'm not sure how I've made it through if I'm honest. My dad was the best dad ever, he went above and beyond for me and my children. I miss him so much it hurts. It's taken me 4 years to start getting better, and then my son died... I've got a brand new battle on my hands. My dad died from Esophageal Cancer, it starved him to death. It is a cruel cancer! I watched my dad, for 19 months battle his cancer. He literally fought until the very end. My hero he will always be. I don't think I could physically and mentally, take another death.  Death is inevitable, I know this, and everyday I get through, is a day closer to my death. Anyway, I went the gym yesterday and then me and my friend Kayleigh went Tesco and got ourselves some new gym wear. We've been going 5 weeks now. Tomorrow I s

So, this morning, I've been the cafe for an hour, walked Asda get stuff for tea, walked my dog, hoovered downstairs, done a load of washing and done my dishes. All before dinner time. Had a bit of a manic morning I think. How am I feeling today? I dunno, I'm just sad all the time. Went into Jay-Dees room earlier and just stood there for a while. Can't bring myself to sort through his things, so Damian is going to sort his room at some point. I'm not getting rid of any of his clothes or trainers, they can all go in the loft where I know they're safe. Our son should still be here, life is so unfair! All I do everyday, is wait for the time to go fast so I can climb back into bed. I say I've got no motivation but I've done alot this morning. Some days I don't do a thing, except wish the day away. I'm so depressed it's unreal. I fight so hard everyday to just stay alive, its draining. I just want to feel some sort of happiness. Am I asking for too muc