Cancer, Depression and Me.

Not long got home from taking Jasper and Jesse-John to watch the Minecraft movie. This morning I told my mum I was taking the boys the cinema to watch it and she said she might take my brothers kids watch it through the holiday, my brothers kids live with my mum, but anyway, I decided ask her if she wanted come with me today. I expected her to say no because she suffers with her anxiety too, but she didn't, she said yes. So I met my mum at the Odeon and we all watched it together. It was so nice all being together, was nice to see the kids too because I don't see alot of them. It's been a good evening. The movie was good, not something I'd personally choose to watch but I enjoyed it and the kids loved it and that's the main thing. Seeing their little faces smiling as they were watching made my heart melt. Its times like this that I'm thankful I'm still alive. Depression will probably take my life one day unless I get better mentally. It's days like today...

I'm still trying to come to terms with my sons death. Some days it doesn't feel real that he's no longer here. I keep expecting him to walk through the door after his day at work. My heart aches for my child. I miss him more than anything. I'd do anything to see his face again, but instead I sit here looking at his urn on my fire place. We're in April already and on June 2nd it will be a year since he's passed away. I ask myself how I've made it this far in life because I am morbidly depressed and I'm grieving.  How am I continuing with life? My dad's death destroyed me, but losing a child, I can't even put it into words how devastating it is.  Not a day goes by where I don't think about my son and my dad. Every day I'm filled with deep sadness, my heart aches. I had a shit day yesterday, I didn't go the cafe because Jensen took me school morning and afternoon bless him. He was off work so it was nice of him take me school and Asda to...

Had my 9th driving lesson yesterday and my head wasn't in it. I stalled so many times and I had a driver beeping at me from behind which made the situation even worse. Apparently I'm doing what I should be for my 9th lesson and I shouldn't feel disheartened. Let's hope the more lessons I have the easier it will become. Fingers crossed. I'm saving for a car now, can't wait be driving. I've been see my mum today which has done me good. She made us both a coconut tai green curry for dinner and it was lovely. Mum's always made lovely curries. 2 of my friends came visit me last night, was nice to have a catch up. Never feel like seeing anyone but always glad when I do. I went the cafe this morning to see some of my friends. I just wish I had more to say. Wonder why I don't talk much anymore? It's got to be the depression. I've felt ok the past few days, I mean, I'm always sad but I'm ok, if that makes sense. I don't want to die which i...

I ended up getting dressed and visiting my friend yesterday when Jesse went with Damian. I'm glad I did because it did me good to get out of the house. I see her through the week, then almost every Sunday. I regretted not going church yesterday, I missed it but I just wasn't in a good place mentally.  Feel so much better today, I've not done anything except washing, which is drying on the line because the sun is out. Makes you feel so much better when the sun is shining and you can peg washing out. You can tell I'm old. I've not long had a bath and washed my hair. I could cry at how much hair I lose when I wash it. I'm losing stupid amounts of hair, it's unreal! Fucking Menopause!! Had a meeting earlier at Jesse's school because of his attendance. I told them that my son passed away and that some days I just don't leave the house due to my anxiety. They were understanding. I do need to try and get him in school everyday. Some days are hard though. I...

43 weeks today since my son tragically passed away and it's Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day without my son. I feel deflated today. Had to force myself to get out of bed. I've not gone Church, I'm just not feeling life today.  The boys dad has had me the most loveliest cup made with my kids names on. I'll post a photo at the end of my blog. He's got me the most beautiful card. He's such a good man and an amazing dad. He's got me through some dark days. I appreciate him so much. I'm tired today, I'm tired of life. I know it's a bad day and tomorrow will be better. My first Mother's Day was bound to be hard not having one of my children here. I've got my other boys here, but Jasper's asleep. Jesse's on his computer but is going out with Damian later, and Jensen is in bed with a sickness bug. Bless his heart he's been throwing up all night. Jesse had the bug last weekend, I'm just hoping I don't end up with it....

So I went to see my mum yesterday,  spent a few hours with her and we had dinner together. It was nice. Getting out of the house really does me good. I gave her some flowers I'd brought, along with a new vase and a card and she was so happy, which made me feel happiness. There's not a better feeling than making someone smile. I've had my brother here all day today so my mind has been occupied. He's gone home now and I've got in my pj's ready to go bed. Can't wait to have a lie in, in the morning.  I hate the weekends. I struggle mentally because I don't leave the house. I keep thinking about doing stuff with Jesse but then my anxiety kicks in. I can't wait till I'm driving because we can go anywhere at any time.  How am I feeling today? I'm ok. I'm just ok. Still not thriving, just surviving, but one day I'm going to write about how happy I am. I'm determined to get better. I can't wait to feel happiness, I'm desperate to ...