Cancer, Depression and Me.

Had my 5th driving lesson yesterday and it went ok. I do think some times that driving isn't for me, but I'll carry on with the lessons and hopefully I'll soon be able to take my foot off the clutch slower. Thought about my dad and son alot today. I still find it hard to believe that they're gone forever. My heart aches. I've got my friends coming tonight, I really can't be bothered to see anyone but I'm trying to be more sociable. It's hard doing things when all you want to do is sleep. I know it'll do me good seeing them. Sleeping is my escape from the world. I'm forever going to ask myself why did my son kill himself. If only he hadn't mixed drugs at the rave he went. If only he'd of rang me that morning before he did it.  I'm forever going to ask why. I went to see my friends at the cafe this morning for an hour and I barely spoke.  I'm no fun to be around anymore. Death has changed me as a person. I'm constantly depressed...

Yesterday was a better day, I went Church in the morning.  I'm being baptised on Easter Sunday, I'm so excited but nervous at the same time. Sick of having anxiety! 2 of my friends came in the afternoon for a few hours so it kept me busy and then last night my TV broke. I could hear the TV but the screen wouldn't work so i had to order a new one that's coming today off Argos. So I'm currently sat in the living room with no TV.  I haven't taken Jesse school today as I was unsure of what time it was coming. I've had a text saying it will be here in between 1.15 and 3.15. Then I've got work out how set it all up. God help me. I'm not feeling to bad today. I've got another driving lesson tomorrow so that'll be good. I hope I start getting the hang of it. I'm fine, it's just I take my foot off the clutch too fast and stall the car. I keep telling myself that everyone started where I have and I'll be fine. It'll be my 5th lesson tom...

Had a bad few days, my son is on my mind alot. I feel so fed up and run down. I'm going church in the morning, I feel like I need to be there. I need to be with my church family. I always feel better when I've been church, so I'm hoping it helps me mentally.  I've not really done much these past few days. My brother visited yesterday, like he does every Friday. I was going go see my mum today but Jesse wanted a day on his computer so we didn't end up going. I've got my friends coming tomorrow afternoon when ive been church so that'll be nice to see them. Mentally I'm not in a good place. I just want life to get better, I've had enough of feeling the way I do.  If I didn't have my kids I'd be dead already. They're the only thing to keep me going. Makes me sad how depressed I am. I feel like death is the only way to end my suffering, but as I've said before, I can't leave my kids so I have no choice but to keep waking up everyday an...

I'm having a shit day today. I've thought about killing myself and then I thought about Jesse waiting for me after school and me not being there to collect him. So I can't kill myself can I? I keep thinking could I of done more to prevent my son from killing himself? I feel like I should of done more but what could I of done? Why didn't he message me or ring me? Why my son? I have so many unanswered questions and I'll never get an answer until I see him again. I wish I could turn back the clock and save his life. I wish I could of saved my son. I'm just having a bad day. Jensen travels back from Colombia today, his holiday has gone so fast. I can't wait to see him. I'm trying have a sleep on the settee but I can't switch my brain off. I just keep thinking about Jay-Dee. Life is hard work isn't it? I've not long had bacon and cheese oatcakes. I'm obsessed with bacon at the moment. I wake up in the morning and I can't wait go back bed. ...

So I've just had my 4th driving lesson. I stalled it a few times, I'm not taking my foot off the clutch slow enough! God I hope it starts to come naturally. I just keep thinking everyone who's new to driving probably stalled alot to in the beginning. Well that's what I'm telling myself anyway. I started calorie counting yesterday and managed stay under 1400 calories. I tried weighing myself before I started and the batteries had gone in my scales, but I roughly know what I am because I've weighed myself a few weeks ago. I've got alot of weight to lose so we'll see if I can stick to the calorie counting.  I went Asda this  morning and brought some healthy ready meals for my tea. As long as I stick under 1400 calories I should be able to lose a few lbs each week. Like I say though, it's only day 2 but upto now I'm doing good. I've got a calorie counting app on my phone so I just have to scan everything I eat. Pretty simple really. I've got ...

I saw every hour on the clock Friday night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't switch off, my sons funeral song was playing over and over in my head. All yesterday I spent under my blanket on the settee. I tried to nap but still couldn't switch off it was horrible. Thankfully I slept better last night but Friday night was absolute torture.  I know my mum sleeps shit so I was messaging her at 3am and she was awake too. Jesse's back at school tomorrow, how fast has this past week gone. Crazy. I think to myself often, how are my dad and my son gone forever. It still doesn't seem real that I'll never see them again. It plays on my mind. Ever likely I can't switch off at night. Grief is hard. I can be fine 1 minute and the next I can feel depressed.  I know it's something I've got to learn to live with, I know this, but some days are harder than others. I've got no plans for today. The weather is rubbish. I'm sat wondering what I can do to pass the time...