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October 4th Friday.

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Im not who I was and I dont know who I am anymore.. I feel so very lost in life. I just stared at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted in what I saw. The weight gain from the medication and Menopause is unreal. I stared into my own eyes and saw nothing. I died inside the day my father died, and I went to a whole new level of death, when my son died. I didnt think anything else could be worse in my life, than my dads death, and then my son died. Then my son went and left me.... He knew I was struggling but he left me anyway. He left me behind. I was fighting my depression for my 4 boys and then one dies. I am a broken woman. Ive lost my identity, but how do I find myself again? Please, someone tell me how?? God, how am I making it through each day? I am stronger than I think, clearly. My strength comes from my children. A piece of my heart is in heaven with my dad and my son. People say, the grief stays the same forever, but you learn to grow around it. How do I grow, when im so ver
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October 3rd Thursday

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I was doing ok today until I looked in the food cupboard and spotted Jay-Dees little tub of seasoning he brought for his chicken and rice, and its made me feel sad. It's always going to happen isn't it? I'm always going to come across things that remind me of my son. Life is so cruel. It still doesn't seem real that my son is gone forever. Can't get my head around it, my heart yearns for my child. I had my 2nd session of the bereavement course I'm on yesterday. Once again I cried talking about my child. I know my grief will never end and I know I've got to learn to live with it, but it's hard. It's really hard, I miss my son more than anything in the world. Anyway, I'm just cooking a cottage pie so it's all ready for tea time. The weeks are passing me by, life is passing me by whilst I'm stuck in grief. My life stopped, but the world carried on spinning. I started to grieve the day my dad told me he had terminal cancer. That was 5 years a
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October 1st 2024

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How are we in October already? Not taken Jesse school this morning, I couldnt bring myself to get out of bed. I feel drained. Im sat thinking about, when I made the decision to take dads oxygen off him and then he died a few hours after. Dad wouldnt of wanted to lie in that bed dying any longer, I know this, yet im still questioning myself. The oxygen was just prolonging his inevetable death. God, im plaqued with grief, its consuming me today! Ive told myself 3 times, that this is just a bad day and tomorrow could be better. I plan on going the gym again tomorrow with my friends, it will do me good. But seriously, how are we in October? It will be Christmas soon and im dreading it. I dont want to celebrate Christmas anymore, but I know im going have to for Jesse-Johns sake. Hes only 8 so he doesnt understand how depressed I am over losing my child. He knows Jay-Dee has died but I dont think he really understands. Unless youve lost a child, you wont understand the pain I feel inside. It
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September 30th Monday. My sons birthday in heaven.

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Today is a hard day, my first born child, turns 22 in heaven. I am heartbroken beyond repair. My heart aches for my child. What id give to see his beautiful face just one more time. Had to force myself go the gym today, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Do I feel better for going the gym? Absoloutely not, but I went anyway. Jasper has come home from college after an hour because hes too upset to be there. It is a shit day for us all! I woke up this morning, I sat on my bed and was in two minds whether take Jesse school or not, but I got up and took him. Wouldnt be fair for him to sit at home and watch us all be sad. Hes better off in school. Proud of myself really for getting up and taking him, and then going the gym. Ive been the shops for stuff for tea and ive decided cook a chilli, Jay-Dees favourite so only seemed right to cook it. I havent really got much to talk about today, I feel a bit numb. I dont feel myself today, just wish it was bedtime already. It
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September 29th Sunday.

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Sundays are a hard day for me, my son passed away on a Sunday and so did my father. Ive been the shops today to buy a cake and candles for my son in the stars. He should of been turning 22 tomorrow. I plan on going the gym in the morning, to try and ease the pain ill be feeling inside. His first birthday without him here is going to be hard, I already know this. He had so much more life ahead of him. Its just tragic that hes no longer here. I feel deflated today, im tired of life. Didnt go Church today, I slept till 11am. I must of needed the sleep. My son Jensen cooked me dinner today, the first time any of my kids have ever cooked for me, which was nice. We had bagels with bacon, eggs and cheese, but minus the bacon for me as im vegetarian. I have been for some years now. I just went off meat, the smell repulses me. Jesse is out with Damian, he goes every Sunday on different adventures and ive cooked a spag bol for tea. Going try get back to calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some
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September 28th 2024

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Recieved my sons death certificate today. 17 weeks ago tomorrow, my son killed himself. I feel sick to my stomach that I have a death certificate for my child. I cant even put into words how much my heart aches. I have a silent scream inside of me, that only I can hear. I still find it hard to believe that ill never see my son again. Did I tell you, we have his belongings back too. I can never remember what I blog about. I feel some comfort knowing we finally have his things back home. But to have a death certificate for a child is hands down the worst possible thing in my life. Life can not get any worse for me after losing a child. Its Jay-Dees birthday in 2 days and I feel sick thinking about it. Life was never meant to be this way. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. How have I made it through the last 17 weeks? How am I still here? How have I not hit the bottle? Dont get me wrong, ive had a few days where all ive thought about is alcohol, but ive not caved o
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September 27th Friday.

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You know, if it wasnt for my brother ringing and checking on me all the time, then visiting me every friday, id be a bit lost without him. His support means the world to me, I dont tell him enough that I appreciate him. I see my sister now and again, I speak to her nearly everyday via messages, but we dont see much of each other because she works nights. I get a message off my mum now and again, asking the same question, every damn time.. am I ok? No mum, my fucking son has died. Thats what I feel like saying, but instead I tell her im doing ok. Its Jay-Dees birthday on Monday, he should be turning 22. Im going to try and be happy and celebrate his birthday, but lets be honest, im a cryer now so chances are I will cry. I tell him I love him everyday, in the hopes he can hear me. Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John are what keep me going everyday. Without my kids I wouldnt be here. Was meant go the gym this morning, but I really couldnt be bothered today. Didnt end up going yesterday either.
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