Cancer, Depression and Me.

Another day of hanging on by a thread.  God today has been long. You know, I've got my kids all around me, as I sit here and type this blog, yet I feel so alone. I feel like it's just me against the world. Depression is killing me and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to feel better. The medication can only do so much, I know I need to do more but, how? I'm grieving, all I think about, all day long is my son and how I should of seen the signs. I beat myself up over 'what ifs', it's torture inside my head. I've lost my son and I couldn't even say goodbye. My heart has been shattered all over again. It turns out 'rock bottom' has a basement, and I currently reside in it. You know, I had a panic attack walking the school earlier to fetch Jesse, my back and chest went dead tight, I felt it all in my back, neck and shoulders. All you can do is just try and breathe through it. But a panic attack at that age of 40 is ridiculous!

After I blogged yesterday, I spent the whole of the afternoon crying my eyes out. I made a tiktok about my son and it just set me off. Today has been better, not alot better but I've not cried. Back to the school run this morning, killed me getting up early again. I never usually go back bed through the day but, today I climbed back into bed fully dressed. I feel so drained all the time. Every day I wish the day away, I can't wait to fall asleep so I don't have to be alive. I'm wishing my days away, it's so sad.  What a sad human being I have become. I don't find any happiness from my days.  Don't get me wrong, my children fill me with happiness but other then them, nothing, I don't find any sort of happiness out of my days of being alive. How can I change this? I need to feel better mentally. I feel like I've got a long road ahead to getting better haven't I :(

We all know how much I hate Sundays but, im one day closer to seeing my son and my dad again. I was thinking to myself, if I died today, Jesse wouldnt remember me as he got older, would he? Hes only 8.. Another reason I cant end my own life, which is good. I couldnt bare it if Jesse had to grow up not remembering me, that breaks my heart to think about. Im not going anywhere, anyway. Got to keep fighting my demons! Back to the school run tomorrow. As much as I hate waking up, the routine does me the world of good. Ive taken my dog for her usual walk this morning, then I had a bath and tackled my hair. Ive said before how much I despise washing my hair, I hate how much hair I lose when I wash it. I know its because of the Menopause, ive been using rosemary oil, its meant to help with hair loss. Not sure its working but ill carry on. I often wonder if my weight gain is from the HRT im on? Ive been cutting out some of the rubbish I eat and im half a stone down in 2 weeks, better than noth

22 weeks tomorrow without my first born son. 22 weeks of heartache and sorrow. Id love to blog about how happy I am but thats never going to happen is it? I do hope one day I can write a more happier blog. You know, its funny because writing this blog has saved my life on many occasions. When I write about how I feel it gets it out of my system. Came up on my memories on facebook the other day about the book I wrote and published myself, when I was in a real dark place. May as well promote it whilst im here.. If you type in Amazon, Eternity Drowning, my book will come up. It has a black cover. I cant read back what I wrote, im the same with this blog, I bet I repeat myself some times because I forget what ive written. When I woke up today, I got dressed straight away and walked my dog, then ive been sorting out clothes I dont wear anymore in my bedroom. Im already 4 bin bags deep and ive still got more to do. Who even owns this many clothes that I never wear! Anyway I think im going do

I don't know who I am anymore. Death has changed everything. I lost myself after my Dad passed away, I've been struggling for nearly 4 years since my Dad's death. Then throw my own Cancer into the mix and now the death of my child, I don't think I'll ever find me again. I'm sad every single day. I don't know what I can do to find myself again. I'm nearly 3 years sober and all I can think about is drinking just lately. I know it will kill me if I drank, I know I wouldn't be able to control my intrusive thoughts, which is why I have to stay sober. It's stay sober or die, and as much as I'd love to die right now, I can't leave my children behind, so I have to stay sober. I feel like I've lost my mind, I feel like I've had some sort of break down over the past few years. I don't recognise me anymore. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day. I'm literally living day by day. I'm going get back into the

I tried to crochet yesterday and its safe to say I wasted my money buying the kit. It infuriated me trying to do it. So its a no to crochet! I feel better today, than I did yesterday. Still depressed as shit but, better than yesterday. Im still alive so thats a plus I guess.. I keep pushing through them bad days and im doing it, im just not sure how. Jesse went watch Man United last night with Damian and stayed over in a hotel for the night. The bond they have is amazing. Makes me feel so proud of how we parent our children. I dont really have anything to say, I said before how I dont talk much anymore. Its pretty sad. Stripped my bed today and washed it all, now I have the task of making it all. Love fresh bedding, hate making the bed. I need something to happen in life, I need to be able to wake up and smile about being alive. Surely, the universe has got to bless me somehow? I cant keep living like this, im just not enjoying being alive and it makes me sad. Im going to paint Jesses