Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jesse hasn't gone school, he woke me up about 6am running to the toilet to be sick. He hasn't actually been sick he just keeps going sick. Hes spent the day just lying on the settee and hes been in bed for the past hour and its only 6pm, so I know something is wrong with him. If hes not sick tonight he will have to go school tomorrow. Im meeting that girl Thursday at China Gardens. Bit nervous, but it can't hurt to go on a date. Anyway, ive felt like shit all day today. Got no energy. I just want to sleep my life away. Can't wait go bed. Life seriously needs to improve. Really need to lose weight, but I feel like im always hungry! Fucking hate having to be on medication. Fucking hate my life!! Fed up of having depression. Ive just got to remind myself of the better days. Its hard! Wonder when ill die, and i wonder how ill die. You ever think about it, or is it just me? Weird to think one day will be your last day, but you just dont know which day. Crazy isn't it. Gu...

Got up took Jesse school, sat on my bed at 7:15am and contemplated life. Woke Jesse up and got on with my day. Felt a bit shit today. Its been a long boring day and i can't wait go bed. Been to collect my medication. Jensen took me after he finished work. Depressing knowing i could be on medication for the rest of my just to stay afloat. Hate taking my meds, especially my morning meds. The size of the capsules makes me gag. Ive thrown up a few times trying to swallow them in the past. Its grim. I just know I need them and I shouldn't be ashamed of that, but I am. I wish I was some what normal. How nice it would be to live your life without having suicidal thoughts. Without walking and thinking of stepping into on coming traffic. You know what stops me? I always think to myself, i wouldnt die, i just be paralysed from the neck down or something. That's how unlucky I am. Just won't die! Still speaking to Natalie, we're meant be meeting this week, thats if I dont chick...

Can't be bothered with small talk, messaging this girl and I really can't be arsed with it. Feel like its me forcing conversations and its just not flowing for me. Maybe im just meant to be on my own because this dating shit is hard work. Feel a bit shit today mentally, ive been seen a couple of my friends, once again had to force myself so this house doesnt consume me. Can't wait go bed. Im tired. Was so nice last night climbing into fresh bedding. You can't beat it. Had myself a shower this morning, go me! Haha. Im just plodding on, living this painful life ive been given to live. Feel a bit fed up. Im forcing myself to chat to someone because I feel left out in the world, i feel like its what I should be doing to "fit in". In actual fact, I should probably stay alone until I learn to love myself. How can I possibly love anyone when I dont love me? Anyway, Jesses still out with Damian and im catching up on Love Island. Sad arent I? Im not going stress about ...

I was thinking last night about how ive turned my whole life around. From being a piss head and drinking everyday to being 4 years sober. Went out for a carvery last night with my brother, sister and the kids. It was lovely us all being together. Went back my sisters after for a few hours. Was a good night. I went to meet that girl ive been talking to, just to say hi and ive got to say, shes definitely my type, but we'll see where it goes. Ive messaged this morning but heard nothing back yet. So we'll see. But going back to how ive turned my life around, I think back to my old life when I drank alcohol and it disgusts me. So thankful im strong enough to stay sober. I wish Jay-Dee and my dad could see me now. They'd be so proud of me. My boys are proud of me and thats what keeps me sober. Not doing anything today except washing. Going go strip my bedding i think. I was reliving the days upto my dad's death last night. It was horrible. Told you grief just sneaks up on you...

Just sat thinking of my son stepping off the 17th floor of a multistory car park.. thats grief. Ive been fine all day and then, boom! Hits me all over again. Visions in my head torture me. Grief is very sneaky. He died instantly, thank God. He wasn't suffering and in pain. My heart aches. Can't even describe how im feeling. Got a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. Waves of nausea keep passing through my body. Grief is horrible. This is the reality of my life. I will be grieving forever. A grieving daughter and a grieving mother.. I miss my father and son so much. Today is a shit day. Jesses nearly done a full week. Ive been forcing myself to take him. My brother booked a table for tomorrow afternoon at Brindley Farm. Well, 4:30pm. Myself, my sister, her kids and my kids, we're all meeting up for a birthday carvery for mine and Athenas birthday and my brother is paying for everyone. Looking forward to it. Then we're going back my sisters for a few hours. Can't stay ...

Been to meet my sister this morning in Hanley. I had £50 Primark gift card off Damian for my birthday and i thought to myself ill buy new pjs and underwear. Im definitely getting old. You know what, ive not felt too bad the past few days. Trying to have a positive outlook on life. Trying to be more grateful for what I have. Trying to grieve and live at the same time. God its hard work. Im trying and thats the main thing. Dead nervous about Thursday, date day.. keeping thinking of not going. Am I rushing myself? Will I regret it of i dont go? Im just nervous i think. Ill see how i feel come Thursday. Ive gotten to comfortable being alone. Which isn't a bad thing, but some times I get lonely and would like the company. I guess i could just go on the date and if I dont like her, ill just he honest with her. Shit man! Dating is hard. I dunno ill just see if I end up going. Jasper's just been to the Orthodontist, he's getting braces fitted the end of this month. Jensen has gone ...