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November 20th Wednesday.

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I've felt no better today, the only difference is, I've fought back the tears. I went with Jasper today for his interview and he's got a follow up 2 hour interview with tests next Wednesday.  The reason I'm telling you this is because on our way to Newcastle College we have to drive past a multi story car park, and every time I have to go past this car park I could cry. Its about 8 stories high, in Hanley close to Tesco and anyway, as I was saying its only about 8 stories high and my son jumped from the 17th floor of a multi story car park. The emotions I go through when I see this car park kills me inside. Every time I have to fight back the tears. I envision my son falling to his death. It is absolute fucking torture.  I wish I knew what was going on in my sons head that morning he took his own life. I wish I could of saved him. I wish to see my son again. I sing in church on the 16th December with the choir and my anxiety about doing it is crippling me. Why am I suff
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November 19th Tuesday.

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Feeling very emotional today, I really miss my son and my dad. You know the feeling you get when you're about to cry? Well I've had that feeling all morning and then I've just broke down crying and now I can't stop crying. Not sure why I'm feeling so emotional, I guess it's just one of those bad days I have. I wish the world would just end. I welcome death. I'm tired of trying to be strong everyday. I went the cafe this morning to see my friends and I could feel myself needing to cry, it's a weird feeling. Been Asda to get stuff to make a Sunday dinner for tea, even though its only Tuesday. It snowed last night so it's freezing today but I've still taken my dog out for a walk. She kept jumping over little piles of snow, she's so cute. I've stood and peeled 2 bags of carrots and I'll cook them later along with everything else. I already can't wait for my tea. Anyway, I've had a cry so I'm hoping it's out of my system no
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November 18th Monday.

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I went on an adult Christmas craft course this morning. It's on for the next few weeks. A build up to Christmas. Anyway, we're making wreaths. It's a round metal thing that we have to attach baubles to. Anyway, it did me good to be out of the house. I am trying my best with life. I've not felt too bad today, I've thought about my son loads and I've felt waves of sadness but, I've been able to get through it. I shouldn't laugh but I saw something that said "If my mental health doesn't improve by Christmas, the mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling". I related so much but, found it so funny. If I don't laugh, I'll cry.
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November 17th 6 months.

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Jensens gf arrived Friday from Colombia and I met her yesterday. She seems like a nice girl and Jensen seems smitten. I'm happy for them both.  It's Sunday and it's been 6 months without my child. 6 months?? How has it gone that fast? Just felt myself welling up, I could cry writing this. My eyes have tears in them and I'm trying not to blink. I've just had a bath and washed my hair. I HATE my hair, I really hate it.  It came up on my memories the other day from 4 years ago when I shaved all my hair off. I could easily do it again, that's how shitty I feel.  I feel so fed up of trying to do life. I'm having a bad day aren't I? I need to remember the better days I have in order to get through the low days I have. You want me tell you why I despise my hair, not only does it fall out in clumps but, I have naturally curly hair and I fucking hate it.  It's a task washing it because then I have to apply my products I use, then blow dry it and then straight
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November 15th 4 years.

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4 years today when the angels took my father away from me.  I remember everything like it was yesterday, I spent days and nights by my father's bedside in hospital.  I remember his breathing. His last few breaths was an inhale and slow exhale. I remember his final breath. He took his last inhale and the air slowly seeped out and he was gone. I miss my Dad so much its unreal. Still hard coming to terms with the fact that he's no longer here. I pray he has my son with him in heaven. I was thinking earlier that I psychically can't take anymore heartache. I don't think I'll get through another death. If I wasn't heavily medicated, I honestly don't think I'd be alive today. Olanzopine has saved my life, along with determination. I refuse to give up. My kids need me and that's the only reason I've not killed myself. When I've dropped Jesse off at school, I often think about stepping infront of a car on the main road. It would be so easy to just die
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November 14th Thursday.

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Good morning. I can't quite believe it will be 4 years tomorrow since my dad passed away. I'm not sure how I've made it through the last 4 years.  It will be 6 months this Sunday since my son passed away. Not sure how I'm still alive if I'm honest. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day, but I am and that's the main thing isn't it? I'm sad all the time, even when I smile, I'm sad. It's never going to change is it? For the rest of my life I'm going have to take things day by day.  Anyway, I've been Asda like I do most days and I've walked my dog. I'm cooking chilli for Jensens tea and myself and my youngest 2 boys are having an afternoon tea that's being delivered at 2pm. Rev Rob from the school came to me last week and gifted me a voucher for an afternoon tea for 2. He said he wanted to give it to someone that deserves it and they chose me. How lovely is that. The way Jesse's school have supported m
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November 13th Wednesday.

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Had a better day today, went the cafe this morning and saw my friends, walked my dog, like I do every day, then I had lunch with some people from Church and then sang in the choir. Jesses been on a school trip to Cadbury World today and hes had the best day. Overall, it been a better day. I did cry earlier, I was talking about Jay-Dee to my friend and my eyes filled up. I was telling her I think of him all through the day. She said it had been 8 years for her brother and it still feels raw. Ive got a long road ahead on my mental health journey, I know this, and I refuse to give up. Days like today give me hope for a future. Its a shame my better days dont last but, it gives me hope that ill get better. Thank God for a better day.
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