Cancer, Depression and Me.

Dreamt about Jay-Dee last night, pissed off that I woke up. Just want to be with him. Its made me feel like shit waking up and he's not here. When will this get better? I can't take it anymore. I'm so heartbroken. Waking up has ruined my day. I'm in a shitty mood and im trying snap myself out of it. I could cry. I just want my son back. I'm so fed up. Can't even remember my dream now, i just know i saw my son. Its only dinner time and I already want to go back bed. Meant be meeting a few friends for a catch up, but im honestly not in the mood to do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. I can't do this anymore, I feel like ending my life. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, im tired. I am mentally exhausted. So fucking tired of being alive. I'm in a foul mood today. Just had to fill 2 forms in online ready for my dentist appointment tomorrow and its pissed me off. I'm just pissed off today. I'm angry at the world!! I just want my child back. I ...

Today im feeling thankful, im trying to be positive. I'm thankful first of all that im still alive because depression is horrendous. I ask myself everyday how ive made it through another day. Life's hard work for me. I'm thankful for my living children. The reasons I get up every morning. My Jensen, Jasper and Jesse-John. I miss Jay-Dee more than anything in the world, im thankful for having him in my life for 21 years. I'm tearing up. My first born son, gone forever. God my heart aches for my child. I'll never understand why he killed himself, I just can't wait to see him again. I really am thankful that ive made it through another day. Forced myself to shower today and wash my hair because its been days since ive showered. I know, gross right? Depression is destroying me. Grief is killing me slowly. I try to be positive, but im forcing it. I just want to lie in bed and scream! I dont want to participate in life, im forcing something that isn't working. I...

Been up since 8am, Jesse went the cinema at quarter past 9 with Damian and Mabel. Hes still out now. Hes living his best life. If it wasn't for Damian and Louise, Jesse would only have me. Damian takes him out all the time. He treats him like he treats his own and for that im forever grateful. Jesse thinks Damian is his father and that's ok with me. I love the bond they have. Jasper slept last night and has not long gone home. Ive hoovered and polished my living room and ive sat down and the first thing ive thought about was, why did my son kill himself? I just can't get it out of my head. It doesnt seem real that my son is dead. I hate my own head. I'm sick of over thinking about everything. Polishing my sons urn kills me inside. I shouldn't be polishing a wooden box, he should still be here with me. I hate myself for not waking up through the night to message him, the morning he died. 5.30am my son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park. I could screa...

So i did as I said I would yesterday, i got up, got dressed & Jesse and we went Asda for goodies. I always let him pick his own snacks, he carries his own basket. He melts my heart. How could I even consider suicide when I have my children to live for. I hate how mentally ill i am. I fight suicidal thoughts daily, wishing I was dead, but also, grateful im alive. My head is fucked. I feel like ive got one foot in the future and one foot stuck in grief. Stuck thinking about the past, when my father and son were alive. Its like im living 2 lives. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to die. Its fucking torture. My own head is torture. I'm sick of blogging about how mentally unwell I am. I want to write a happier blog. I want a full day where I feel ok. I'm not asking for much, just better mental health. They say try and count how many things you're grateful for and its just my kids. I'm grateful for my kids that's it. I'm grateful I woke up again to see...

Just sat reliving the morning i had a knock on the door off the police. Never in a million years would i have guessed what that police officer was going to say. That my son was dead! I remember shaking as I rang Damian and had to tell him his son was dead. He was at my house within minutes. Nothing can ever prepare you for child loss. With my dad we had 19 months of watching him die. I dont know what's worse, sudden death or a prolonged death. My head is well and truly fucked. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its everyday. Apparently, its PTSD. I relive my dad's final hours. I hate my brain. For someone that's not afraid to die, I certainly can't handle death. I wish I could go back, I wish I could of saved them. I need to get out of this house tomorrow, even if its just to nip the shop because I feel like im going insane some times. I'm trapped in my own head. The medication isn't making things better, they're just keeping my head above water. Doesn't ...

Ive been to see a couple of my friends for a few hours today, she cooked us all sausage and egg sandwiches. It was good to have a catch up, but the whole time I was there I was thinking of my dad and son. I'm sat here now writing this blog feeling absolutely devastated. I miss my dad and son so much, it really hurts. Honestly, im heartbroken. Tried to engage in conversation, its so hard to try and be happy. Life shouldn't be hard work, but it is. Living is a nightmare I just can't seem to wake up from. I wish it was all a bad dream that ill wake up from any second. Living is hell. Hell on earth. I know my dad and son are in a better place, I just wish I was too.  Told my mate earlier that ive been single over a year, but if im honest, it could be longer. I have no recollection of the relationship ending or when it did end. I feel like ive blocked years of my life out. I dissociate so much its scary. It got me thinking of how long ive been single. When will I be ready to mee...