Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jensen has taken me to Asda to get my last few bits. It was rammed in there. Its crazy. My turkey is in the oven and my veg is all peeled and prepared. I was just sat thinking about my dad and my son and how heartbroken I am. Its Christmas eve, I should be filled with excitement, but im not. Im just devastated. My 5th Christmas without my dad and my 2nd Christmas without Jay-Dee. Its not getting easier. Are you all ready for Christmas? Hope its lovely for you. Im hoping Jesse doesn't wake up mega early, but we'll see. Ive tried my best with buying presents on what little money I had, and ive not done bad. Be glad when its all over now. Looking forward to going my sisters tomorrow evening for a little family get together. It'll be nice. I'd imagine my morning will be hectic. Building Jesse's toys, putting batteries in toys and cooking dinner. My brother will be down at some point to have dinner with us all. Its just not the same anymore now my dad and son are dead. D...

Just sat here thinking, you never think you'd ever lose a parent or a child. I never, ever thought it would happen. To then lose both. Its really had a bad effect on me. Its damaged me. Its made me lose who I am. Ive been stripped of a person and I feel like ive had to start all over again. Learning how to do things all over again. From walking to the shop on my own. Sounds stupid doesn't it, but losing my dad and son, my anxiety is through the roof when I have to do anything alone. Grief hasn't just made my depression 100× worse, its made me fearful of life. Im scared to do things on my own. I try to push myself as much as possible so I dont go down the rabbit hole. I dont want it to get worse. Im trying to get better. Im participating in life. I went my sisters this morning to exchange gifts. Didn't stay long, didn't feel like talking. Got home and forced myself to shower. You know your depression is bad when you have to force yourself to get a shower. Can't r...

Ive been Asda today to get all my veg and potatoes for Christmas dinner. It was so busy. I left Jesse with Jasper so I could go on my own. Wrote a list yesterday and got everything today.  Got the cakes sorted for after dinner. Still not looking forward to it, but ill try my best for the kids. Just seen this on Facebook, "I died a long time ago, im just waiting for my heart to stop beating", thats exactly how I feel. I died the day my father passed away,  and then all over again, when i heard the words my son was dead. Christmas is so hard. You're expected to be "happy" because its Christmas and im finding it hard. I wear a fake smile daily and its tiring. Im just waiting to die, truth be told. Can't wait to be done with this life. I won't live to an old age. I dont want to. I keep saying im ok, but deep down we both know im not. Im am so mentally unwell its horrible living like this. Anyway, just got to keep going. Just asked Jesse what would he do if I...

Jesse's gone Winter Wonderland with Damian, he dropped me at Asda where ive been get some Christmas bits. Got 2 cheese boards and lots of crackers. A few cakes and a big box of After Eights mints. Got the heating on and the fire. I'm in my pjs watching a Christmas movie on Netflix. Just been sat with Jay-Dees urn, telling him how much I miss him. Christmas time is hard when youre grieving. I'm doing ok. Trying not to be sad, but my heart aches. I miss my father and son so much. Christmas is coming around so fast and I just dont feel festive at all. If it was just me I'd spend it lying in bed depressed, but I have kids, so im trying to do all the Christmas stuff for them. I'll be glad when its over. Saw on my Facebook memories that my birthday is in 20 days. I'll be 42. Crazy how fast time goes. Feel like I dissociated this whole year away. Don't remember any if it. Ive got a holiday to look forward to in 2026 so thats good. So anxious about it, but I know il...

My blogging is my coping mechanism. I was thinking about, how do I get through the days, and its this. I get everything out of my system, blogging. Strange isn't it how writing stuff down can help. Anyway, im doing ok today. Kept myself busy. Done a load of washing, so now I have zero washing to do. Then I stripped my bedding, washed it all on a hot wash and just made it all back up. Already I can't wait climb into fresh bedding. Had a headache since I woke up this morning, not sure why, but it is what it is. Just found a movie to watch on Netflix and thats me for the day. Jasper will be here soon and thats it. I need get a shower to wash my fake tan off my face. I plan on going to Asda tomorrow to get some bits in for Christmas. Grieving is a little easier today. I'm forever going to be grieving, I know this and thats why im trying to live. 

That's it, school has finished for Christmas. Thank God. You know what, ive had a good day today, mentally speaking. Feel in a much better mood. Ive thought about my dad and son today, like I do everyday, but im doing ok. My brother came this afternoon for a few hours. He always visits on a Friday after he's finished work. Hes a good brother. I can not wait to go sleep and not have to set an alarm. I am grateful for the peace I have in my life now since going sober. Ive lost alot of friends that I use to go drinking with, but ive made new sober friends and I really am grateful. My life has completely changed since my dad died. I died too that day and ive been trying to find Ann-Louise since then. I'm living a new life. One without my dad and son. That's why im struggling, ive got to learn to live again without my father and son. Its hard. Living is hard work for me. Ive got to find myself, im just not sure how.. im going on a big health kick on January 1st. Ive got to t...

One more get up for the school run and then 2 weeks off for Christmas. Unfortunately im not looking forward to Christmas. Everything changed after my dad died. Its hard to explain, my whole world came crashing down and its like ive had to learn how to live all over again. After years of grieving I felt like I was starting to get better. My son died and I feel like im back where I started. Learning how to live another new life. I died inside the day my father passed away and then again when my son took his own life. Ive said before how lost in life I am. I'm determined to get better in 2026. Ive got to. Anyway, I was saying to Jasper earlier, January 1st im going on a diet and when ive lost some weight, im shaving my hair off again. I shaved my hair off 3 days before my dad died. Just lost my mind and shaved all my hair off. That's what I mean when I say ive come so far to give up now. I'm fighting for my life. For a life I dont even want. I'm fighting because my kids ne...