Cancer, Depression and Me.

Ended up going my friends last night to 2 of my friends and had my tea cooked for me. Lobby and crusty bread, was lovely. Today ive been to a remembrance craft afternoon at Jesse's school where we've made a poppy wreath. I love doing activities with Jesse, it slaps me in the face to make me realise why im fighting for my life. I'm doing it for my boys. We were given little prayer cards to write a prayer on and put in the prayer box the school has. Jesse wanted to pray for grandad and Jay-Dee, so we wrote their names on the card and posted it in the prayer box. How lovely that Jesse wanted to pray for his brother and grandad. Jesse's been having bereavement counselling on a Wednesday with Dove Bereavement. I had counselling with them after my dad died and its really helped. One thing I took from my counselling with them, is that you go through many stages of grief, from anger to sorrow and I learned that you can keep going back to stages youve already been through, and i...

My heart really isn't in Christmas since Jay-Dee passed away. Everyday is a battle to stay alive. I just wish I was dead. Its so sad. I'm depressed everyday. Ive been the cafe to see my friends. I have to force myself to go. Rachael wants me go hers tonight for a catch up but I really can not be bothered. I'm happy just sitting on my own. Ive become too comfortable with being alone. Some times I want to be in a relationship and some times, im just content on my own. Jesse and my dog sleep with me. I have no room for a partner haha. I love my cuddles off Jesse. Hes my last baby so im making the most of it. I'm currently watching my dog and kitten play together. My dog is finally getting use to Sol. Its hard work having a kitten, dont know what I was thinking, but I love him so much already. Hes only 6 weeks old this week. Didn't think I could love another pet as much as I love my pug, but I do. My kitten is so bloody cute. Ive started my Christmas shopping but if im ...

Didn't take Jesse school today. Didn't want to get out of bed, but i had to so I could feed the kitten. Yesterday Sicily, my pug, was unsure about Sol, but today shes been loads better. She's been playing with him. Its sweet to watch them together. We're still watching them carefully incase Sicily snaps at him. Had to force myself to shower earlier. I'm having a shit day. Definitely getting up early tomorrow and back to the school run and see my friend's. Just not feeling life today. Can't wait go back bed. My kitten is 6 weeks this week, I need to register him with a vet to get him nueted and chipped. Not sure how old they have to be. I'll ring tomorrow and enquire. I'm currently watching a Christmas film with Jesse, we've had a chrismassy afternoon watching movies. I'm not looking forward to Christmas, not the same anymore since my father and son passed away. My hearts not in it. I'll cook a Christmas dinner, but that's about it. Iv...

Had the best night last night with my brother and sister. We had fireworks at Ashley's place and it was so nice us all being together having fun with the kids. Today Jensen, Jesse and myself have been to Pets At Home to buy everything for our new kitten we've had called Sol. We went KFC and then collected our kitten. My Pug Sicily is still getting use to him, Sol is in a cage and we keep getting him out so Sicily gets use to him. Hes only 5 weeks old. When did I turn into an animal person? Mentally, im doing ok today. Had a few moments here and there, but snapped myself out of it. Just waiting for Jasper to arrive for his sleepover, he's going to love sol. Ive tanned my face and hands which ill shower off in the morning. Its also hair wash day, I hate it. The thought of having to wash my hair makes me not want to wash it. Its because im losing that much hair with going through the Menopause, it adds to my depression. Keep thinking about going short, life would be so much ea...

Pulled my Christmas decorations out today, they're still in the bag. Ive not put them up. Was thinking it might make me feel a bit better putting them up for Jesse, and then I think about my son not being here and my heart isn't in it. I know ill have to put them up at some point for the kids. Just pulled my boys stocking out that go along the fire place. All matching, they're lovely. I'll always put the 4 up every year because I know Jay-Dee is still with me. I know my dad is. My guardian angels. Since my dad and son passed away life became so different. I see things differently, I appreciate things more. I know how easily life can be taken away. I worry more about my boys since Jay-Dees death. I couldnt bare to lose another child and I know it happens. I'm on groups on Facebook about losing a child/son and i see people posting about losing 2 plus children. The thought of losing another child haunts me. Let's change the subject. Anyway, im ok today. Always sad,...

A wave of grief has just hit me. Saw a tiktok I made of Jay-Dee on my memories and I felt the sadness course through my body like a shiver. Weird feeling. Hey, at least I had a few good hours.. Feel like shit again. Fuck my life! So sick of feeling like this. Anyway, its ok to feel sad, just dont stay there too long. So ive just got up and put a chicken in the oven. Going make me and the boys, chicken and stuffing baps for tea. I'm ok. Ive got this. Just need to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. I'm feeling stronger today. I'm trying my best to live with grief. Some days are so hard, as you know from my blogs, but some days, like today, im carrying it better. Grief hits me every single day. Not a day goes by where I dont think of my father and son. Not a single day. Now that's heavy on the heart. Every day I feel like Ive been punched in the stomach. It really is horrible. Trying to stay positive so I messaged my friend and said I'd nip hers tomorrow night and she...

Feel so much better today, but it is only 10am so that could change, but upto now im ok. Ive been the cafe see my friends, had a cup of tea and actually engaged in conversation. Ive been Asda do some shopping and now im back home. Its raining and miserable outside.  Thank God i feel better today. Its been a rough few weeks mentally. When youre stuck in a depressive episode, its hard to see a way out. I have to tell myself that tomorrow might be better. Its so hard when you have suicidal thoughts. When im low all I think about is dying, its horrible. I'm still sad, but i feel better in myself. Just brought myself a festive candle, mulled wine and cinnamon. My house is going to smell lovely. I'm going go clean my bedroom and bathroom I think. Jesse's room needs hoovering too, but Jensen is still in bed so that'll have to wait an hour or so. Not gone trauma therapy today. Don't think im ready mentally. All the weeks ive been going, i couldnt tell you a thing about it. ...