Cancer, Depression and Me.

Just sat thinking of my son taking his own life. I still can't believe it. I can't accept it, and I know i need to accept it, in order to live this life ive been given. Its hard. Not having my child here is so hard. I can't tell you how much pain im in, inside.  I could just scream!! I'm a Christian that some times I question my faith, because why take my dad and son from me? They say everything happens for a reason.. some one please tell me the reason? To lose my father who was my best friend, to then have cancer, and then my son kills himself. What is the reason for all this tragedy? The only good thing I take from it all, is that im nearly 4 years sober. My friend came this morning for a few hours and she had so much to say and then there's me, nothing to talk about because I have no interest in being alive. I could happily kill myself. Of course I won't, but death doesnt scare me. I'm already dead on the inside. Dusted Jay-Dees urn earlier and I just sta...

Not going lie, its been a shitty week. My boys birthday and he's wasn't here to celebrate it. Forgot to blog yesterday, but didn't do much. Cooked a big chilli for tea with nachos and cheese. Kids loved it so that's good. Ive only just got home from going the cafe, we stayed longer than usual. Love seeing my friend's. I'm tired today, thank god its friday tomorrow. Can't wait have a lie in at the weekend. I'm trying to make sure Jesse goes to school everyday, regardless of how im feeling. Don't know what to do for tea tonight. I get sick and tired of thinking what to do every night. Really need to wash my hair, I also need to get my roots done, but I can't be bothered at all. Think I'll get a shower later and tackle my hair, give it a good wash. Mental health isn't too bad today, I feel ok.  I'll always be sad, ive come to terms with that. Some days the grief is overwhelming, but im carrying it ok today. Jensen is working from home to...

Fighting for a life I dont even want. Jay-Dee would of been 23 today. My boy, forever 21. My heart is broken. I feel so numb today. Ive been to therapy and didn't hear a word. Feel like im not with it today. My heads all over the place. I can't describe the pain I feel inside. I'm tired, i just want to curl into a ball and sleep. I want to lie in bed and let the world pass me by. My head is just above water. My beautiful friends at school have brought me flowers and card today, to say they're thinking of me. How very thoughtful of them. I love my friends. Ive had messages on Facebook & wattsapp from friends telling me they're thinking of me. Makes me realise how much support ive got. I'm so thankful for my friends. Today is a shit day. Going the crem later to lay flowers. Its only dinner time and im already done with today.

I feel upset today. Ive brought Jay-Dee a birthday like i have done every year and i will carry on doing. Ive been talking to his urn and its heartbreaking. Talking to a wooden box instead of my child is the hardest thing in the world. I'm absolutely gutted that he's not here with me. He will be 23 tomorrow, but forever 21. You know what's hard? Watching Jensen grow up knowing Jay-Dee is only 11 months older than him. Seeing Jensen do things that Jay-Dee should be doing. I'll never understand why he took his own life and ive got to live with this pain forever. Why has life been this way? Why have I been chosen to fight so many battles? Life is hard. Didn't go the cafe this morning, just went Asda got my shopping and came home. Wasn't in the mood to socialise this morning. I did message my friends to say I wouldnt be there. I wish I could just lie in bed forever. Hate doing life. Even when im having a better day im still sad inside. Ive smiled and said morning to...

Was awake at 7am ready for our half 8 pick up. We had to set off early to avoid the marathon. The weather has been red hot, its been the best day. I love how we have our blended family and do things all together with the kids. Its how it should be. Life's too short. Ive done some walking today, definitely got my steps in. On the way home i found myself staring at the sky thinking about Jay-Dee and my dad. It hurts my heart not having them here, especially my son. He was 21 years of age. Its no age at all. Not looking forward to Tuesday. My beautiful boy should be turning 23. Jensen is working that day but after work we're going the crem to lay flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed. I'm so thankful that Damian pays for his flower bed because its somewhere we can go to remember him. I'm so glad I have his and my dad's ashes with me. They're safe with me. I talk to them both everyday in the hopes they can hear me. My heart is heavy. I know its because Jay-Dees birthday is...

It's not been a bad day today. Ive been out shopping with my friends then we went to China Gardens where I had a Fanta. Done me the world of good to get out with my friends. Always lifts my mood. I told them that its Jay-Dees birthday on Tuesday and they're so supportive. I'm going Drayton Manor tomorrow, got to be up early so we can leave before the marathon starts. I love doing stuff through the day because it keeps my mind occupied. I'm not looking forward to Tuesday,  my first born should of been turning 23 but he's forever 21. Life shouldn't be this way. My child should still be here. Ive got trauma therapy the same day so it'll keep my mind occupied for a few hours. My brother gave me £50 earlier to go shopping with because im broke. How lovely is that. Anyway, im just catching up on Married At First Sight, bed early tonight ready for my early start. 

Life has knocked me down over and over again and I just keep getting back up. Where is my strength coming from? I dont know how im doing it. I show up everyday regardless of how im feeling. I'm proud of myself for not giving up on life. Ive thought about drinking the past few days, but ive not given in. What would I achieve from starting to drink again? I'm strong because im sober. I'm strong because I have faith. I'm strong because I have 3 children that need their mum. I have to stay sober, my life depends on it. Felt a bit gutted that my ex Zoe has moved on, but the more I think about it, I finally feel free. I can finally move on with my life knowing shes someone else's problem haha. I did a tan last night and was up at half 6 this morning getting a shower. Its crazy how much a tan can improve your mood. My brother will be here when he's finished work. Mentally im not doing too bad. Its Jay-Dees 23rd birthday Tuesday, the same day as my therapy. Not looking ...