Cancer, Depression and Me.

I didn't go church today, if im honest I've not been for the past 3 weeks, I've just felt so tired, so I've been having a lie in. I'm going try and go next Sunday. I miss it when I don't go. Ive been strawberry picking this afternoon, you know what its done me the world of good to get out of the house. We went to somewhere called Woore Fruit Farm, it was lovely. How my weekends have changed, when I was drinking I was usually drunk or hungover every single weekend and then I'd also be drinking every night through the week. I was always drunk. My old life repulses me and now im out strawberry picking on a Sunday hahaha honestly I shock myself. Ive come so far since my dad's death, I know alot of it is down to medication but I should be more proud of myself for keeping going. You all know how much I suffer with depression, you know my struggle and im still alive after everything. I mean, I had cancer and beat it! These are the positives I should think of mo...

I'm struggling with anxiety, I feel fear about leaving the house and I don't know why. I feel like i can't do stuff or go anywhere alone. Ive not left the house for a few days. I'm fed up of suffering. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery.  I'm really struggling with life, I have been for years. I stripped and washed my bedding yesterday and today im doing Jesse's bedding. Dried on the line so it smells amazing. I hate making beds but love getting into a fresh bed. You can't beat it. I think im going strawberry picking tomorrow with a few of my friends so that'll be good to get out of the house for a few hours. I'm lucky to have supportive friends. They know im struggling.  I'm just so fed up of being mentally unwell. I just want to get better. I don't know how I've made it to 41 without killing myself if im honest. I get up everyday for my boys, i do it all for them. If I didn't have them I'd be dead already.  I'...

I don't see the point in my existence. I'm sat thinking about my life and I just don't see the point in me being alive. I'm having a shit day today. I had a psychological evaluation this morning and its just made me feel worse talking about things. I told them im suicidal all the time and how I replay my dad and sons death over in my head daily. I'm being referred for group trauma therapy. So I've got to sit in a group and talk about how I feel. Anxiety is going to love that. God I really fucking hate life. I need a break, I need to just die already. I'm a dead soul living in this body I borrowed.  God I really am having a shit day. I'm fed up today. Today's one of them days where I wish I was dead. I can't keep living like this, im not living. I'm just surviving. I can't keep living like this, something needs to happen before I break. I'm trying so hard to be strong and its killing me. I'm slowly drowning. I'm trying to keep ...

Had my 15th driving lesson this morning, as we were driving i came close to the curb and my driving instructor said "if we hit that curb the car will lose control and the car will crash". I thought to myself, I'd love that. Accidentally die in a car crash. Then as I was driving, i thought about turning the steering wheel and plowing into on coming traffic. Some times I think to myself, I really shouldn't be on the road, but here I am having driving lessons haha. Don't you just love intrusive thoughts!.  I shock myself how i make it through each day without committing suicide.  I didn't do too bad on my lesson. I still panick when ive got get my bite, when there's a car up my arse and I worry about the car rolling back. Anyway, I've spent too much money to give up now. I'm tired today, I've just had a shower and gotten into my pj's. Can't wait go bed, I've got no motivation.  If I didn't have Jesse I wouldn't bother getting o...

Been to Jesse's sports day this morning with Damian, he's never missed a sports day. Jesse is so lucky to have him as his father figure. I'm feeling blessed. Ive just booked a holiday for next year. Its given me something to look forward to and also a goal to get better mentally. I'm nervous about going, well its not nerves its anxiety but I'll have Jasper and Jesse with me so I think I'll be ok. The place we're going, I went a couple of years ago and it was amazing. Its called Sol Katmandu in Magaluf. I'm so excited to take the boys. Its given me something else to live for. Now I really need to lose weight so from today I'll be healthy eating. Ive got a year to get better and im determined to get better. I can do this. Booking the holiday has given me a bit of a boost today. I'm feeling ok.  I felt sick as a dog when I first woke up this morning but I feel ok now, so don't know why I felt so sick.  I'm just doing a load of washing and ha...

I went out last night for a curry with 3 of my friends and we had a really good time, was just what I needed. After 3 hours Jasper rang me to see if I was ok which melted my heart. How lovely of him to care about me. I realised then that I have to keep going. My boys really do need me. It did me good to do my hair nice and put some mascara on. I don't do make up I never have except for mascara. I'm so grateful for the friends I have.  I'm not feeling to bad today, i feel ok. Think it did me good to get out of the house. Not gone Church today, I couldn't be bothered to get up early. I know its lazy of me but, oh well. I should of gone because it does me good, i love being in church. I love my church family. My faith keeps me going, that and my kids. Ive done a wash and pegged it out and now its raining. Typical! Jesse's got sports day tomorrow so im hoping the weather is nice for it. I'm going to book a holiday for next year for me, Jasper and Jesse. I wanted go ...

Not had a bad day today with my mental health but its probably because my brother came after work for a few hours.  I'm going out tomorrow night for a curry with a few friends. I'm honestly looking forward to it. I don't get out much so its just what I need. My friends are dressing up but I don't have going out clothes because I don't go out, so I'll be dressing casual. Thought about hanging myself today, like I do everyday. The main thing is that I don't act on my suicidal ideation.  This is why I stay sober so I can fight my intrusive thoughts. If I was still drinking, my kids would of buried me by now.  Anyway, besides the suicidal thoughts im doing ok today. It's red hot even with my fan on today. Don't know if i told you but i brought a £300 Dyson Cooler fan. Its amazing. I know its alot of money but im paying it monthly on my mums Argos card. I don't go out, i don't drink, I don't smoke, so I thought fuck it im having a decent fan. ...