Cancer, Depression and Me.

Yesterday was my hardest day, the wanting to kill myself was overwhelming. I really had a battle on my hands, but i reached out to friends from church and they got me through the day. Thank you Jesus. So thankful that I made it through the past couple of days. My friend came see me today and we both had a cry and talked for hours. It was just what I needed. Tonight is NYE and my son Jensen has booked a table for us all to go for food at 7pm. I'll have 3 of my boys with me, we're just missing Jay-Dee. Life is so hard but I'm getting through each day and for that I'm so thankful.  You wouldn't believe how thankful I am that I didn't end my life. Anyway, Happy New Year and let's pray 2025 is better. I'm praying for a better year. 2024 has destroyed what was left of me. The only way when you hit rock bottom is up, right? I've got this, I think.

I've done nothing but cry today, I've been my mums and broke my heart. Told her I can't do this anymore. Broke my heart on the phone to my brother and sister. I'm having a really bad day mentally. Same yesterday, I lay in the bath and thought about slicing my wrists open. I'm suicidal today too. I can't do this anymore. I think I'm going have to ring the Samaritans or ring The Sutherland Centre who im under with my psychiatrist. Today is a really bad day. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day. My kids are always at the front of my thoughts, everyday, but today I feel like I'm drowning with suicidal thoughts.  I've gone through so much within the past 4 years, I can't deal with the overload of trauma. I lost my 55 year old dad, I had cancer and now my son is dead. That's a hell of alot for the mind and body to deal with. I honestly can't cope with life anymore.

Woke up today crippled with anxiety. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so depressed it's unreal. I just wish my life was over. I'm fed up. It's been 30 weeks without my son here with me. I'm not doing well today, I wish I was dead. Death would be easier than living this life. I'm not thriving, I'm simply just surviving.  Sundays are a hard day. When I woke up this morning I had to force myself to get out of bed. My body didn't want to get up but I had to for the kids. Everything I do is for them.  It's only dinner time and I already want to climb back into my bed and stay there. I'm going go walk my dog and get some fresh air see if that helps. Today is a shit mental health day. I could cry. I'm so tired of fighting to stay alive. It's draining me. I feel trapped in this house! So tired of my mental illness I'm ready give up. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of life.

Well Christmas is over and done with, thank god. Its been hard, Christmas day I didn't even want to talk to anyone but I did. It's been a quiet Christmas, I didn't want to celebrate it. My first Christmas without my child here. Oh it's been hard. My mental health has plummeted.. I had my brother here for Christmas day and night and I spent boxing day playing games and watching the new Squid Games with Jensen and Jasper. It was lovely. We all miss Jay-Dee so much. My friend is coming visit tomorrow, I've not seen her in forever so it'll be nice to catch up. I've been the shops this morning with Jesse on his new scooter and been the chemist to collect my crazy meds!. How sad is it that I have to rely on medication to get through each day?  2025 has got to be a better year or I won't make it. I can't do another year like this one. I can't take it anymore. Something has got to give. I need a break in life before I give up.

Christmas eve and I'm sat crying. Losing my child has destroyed what was left of me. I'm really struggling today.  I'm not feeling festive at all, I'm sad that my son is no longer here with me. I'm sad that my dad is no longer here. I just keep crying.  I've got no plans to see family over Christmas, my own mother hasn't even invited me hers. It's shit having a broken family.  Myself, my brother and sister just have each other. Christmas is hard. I've got dressed because Jensen is taking me to finish off my food shop today. I'm meant be going church tonight but I've got prep all my veg and potatoes today. God I'll be glad when Christmas is over. I'm so glad I've got my children around me because I'd be lost without them. Christmas time is hard when you have people you love in heaven. Anyway, merry Christmas. 

Christmas eve eve and I've never felt less chrismassy. I feel so alone and isolated. I miss my son and my dad so much. It hurts at Christmas when you've got loved ones in heaven. I've got go last minute shopping tomorrow for the rest of the food shop. I've got everything in for dinner but we need cakes and a cheese board, and stuff for breakfast Christmas morning. 2 more sleeps and it'll all be over and done with. My heart hurts. My son should still be here. I use to visit my dad every Christmas day, every single year. Christmas hasn't been the same since he passed away, and now it's my first Christmas without my son.  It's been 29 weeks, that's 7 months without my son. I've got no recollection of the past 7 months. Life is a blur, I don't know how I'm getting through each day if I'm honest. 7 months without one of my children. I'm stressing about Christmas dinner, why I'm stressing I don't know because it's basically ...

I'm ready for Christmas now, I went shopping yesterday with my brother to get the rest of the food shopping done. Christmas is fast approaching isn't it? This year has flown. 29 weeks today since my son took his own life and I'm really struggling.  Can't get my head around the fact I'm never going to see him again until I die. I should of gone church today! It helps my mental health when I go, but I slept in. I've stripped all my bedding and it's in the wash and I'll do Jesse's tomorrow ready for Santa. Can't wait take the few decorations down I have up. I usually have alot of decorations up but this year I've not been bothered. My heart isn't in it this year.  I'll be 3 years sober on January 1st 2025, if I'm honest, I'm not really sure how I've stayed sober after the death of my son, but I have. Christmas time is hard when you don't drink. I feel like I don't fit in. My brother and Jensen had a drink last night a...