Cancer, Depression and Me.

I don't even know what to blog about, I'm so depressed. I'm sick of being depressed. I cry every single day. I have to try and keep busy to occupy my mind. I wrapped a few presents yesterday but my heart is not in Christmas at all. I've done some cleaning today, as soon as I sit with my thoughts, I'm sad. I'm so desperate to get better mentally.  It's December 1st tomorrow and I couldn't feel less chrismassy. I've put some Christmas lights around my sons urn, it literally breaks my heart that he's no longer here.  I pray that I get through these hard days. I pray for strength but there's only so strong one person can be. I wish I could just end my life and be done if I'm honest.

Im feeling really mentally drained. Jasper told me the other day that he wanted to kill himself, but he didnt want to leave me. Do you know how painful it is to hear your child tell you how depressed he is since his brother took his own life? Its been playing on my mind for days. Im sorting out counselling for him, im not about to lose another child. I cry everyday, not only for my son ive lost, but for my children that are here struggling too. Myself and Jensen cried the other day and hugged each other, that hug meant the world to me. Im struggling so much with my own mental health, it kills me knowing my kids are struggling too. I wasnt going to go choir practice yesterday because I was so tearful, but I went and im glad I did. Today ive been to the Sutherland Centre for an ecg, bloods, weight and height checks. I have to have this done every so often because of the medication im on. Im under the Sutherland Centre with my psychiatrist. I cant even put into words how low I feel. Chris...

Cut myself a fringe in today, I was bored, at least I didn't shave it all off which I've been tempted to do again. Yes again. I did a Britney a few days before my Dad passed away which is just over 4 years ago. My hair is down my back now, it's not been cut since I shaved it. I've washed, dried and straightened my hair today to see if it'll make me feel any better and it hasn't. Only now I'm sad but with nice hair. I could cry, my eyes keep filling with tears and I have to tell myself, not to cry. I cry alot. Understandable considering I've lost my father and my child. I'm determined to get better mentally! I just know it's going to take some time. Jensen came back from London with a big pile of washing for me so I've been doing that today, in-between cutting my hair. How am I still alive? I amaze myself at how strong I am because there's been so many times where I've wanted to end it all. Everyday is a fucking battle, but everyday I ...

I went to Church last night for the remembrance service. It was a beautiful service. They were reading names out of people we've all lost and when I heard 'Jay-Dee Colclough', I broke down crying.  Life shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't be remembering my child, he should still be here with me.  I lit a candle for my child. My heart breaks. I was going stay after the service for coffee and cake but I was too emotional so I just went home. I've been on my Christmas crafting course this morning, I've got another this afternoon but with Jesse. I always book on the craft courses to do with him, his face lights up when he sees me because I always surprise him. I just book on and I don't tell him. Jensen is currently on the train home from London. He's had an amazing time, he's even visited one of Gordan Ramseys restaurants. He's living his best life. Makes me sad because Jay-Dee was only 11 months older than Jensen, makes me sad thinking about how...

I'm going church at 4pm for a bereavement service for people that have recently lost a loved one, I want to go and remember my son and also my father. I'm currently drying my bedding that I've stripped and washed. I feel better today mentally speaking.  I'm not suicidal and I just hope going church doesn't put me on a downer. I feel full of cold today, keep sneezing it's driving me mad! I keep thinking how close it is to Christmas and I'm just not feeling it at all this year.  I wish I could feel happier.  Anyway, I'll let you know later how it goes at church. 

Was doing so well today, mentally speaking, and then Jesse went Mabels birthday party and then there was no one in the house. I went and got myself a bath and I lay there thinking, this is the perfect time to kill myself. I thought long and hard about killing myself and you know what? I couldn't bare the thought of Jasper and Jesse coming home and finding me dead. With tears in my eyes, I feel strength from within. I might not think I'm doing ok, but I got the strength from within me to stay alive for my children. Today I didn't die and I thank God for my strength. 

After my blog on Thursday, I ended up going out for tea with my son and his gf. She seems really nice and Jensen is smitten. He's got his interview this week for team leader over in Colombia 🇨🇴. If he gets the job he'll be gone before Christmas. As sad as I'll be without him here, I only want what is best for him. He's in London at the moment sight seeing, he's living his best life and I couldn't be prouder. My brother came again last night and I was able to smile and talk. The whole time I was sad inside but I held it together. It will be 25 weeks tomorrow since my son took his own life and I will forever ask 'why'? I tell myself it was the drugs he took at that rave, but I also sit thinking was he depressed and I didn't know. What kind of mother doesn't know her child is depressed? I've been battling with depression for years, did I miss the signs? I'll never know until I see my child again in heaven.  I want to see a medium, I want t...