Cancer, Depression and Me.

Let me start by telling you my dad went by the name 'TAB' that's how everyone greeted him, we call him 'Big Tab', it's just how he was known. So, I just clicked on my Facebook and the first thing I saw was a tshirt with 'TABB' written across it in big letters. Now tell me that's not my dad giving me a sign he's with me??? I'm a BIG believer in the afterlife, all things spiritual, anything to do with death, I'm obsessed so I do believe that was a sign from my dad. It's made me feel so emotional because I've waited for a sign for so long and now I feel ive got validation ✨️  Do you believe in afterlife? I do, and getting that sign from my dad has made me so happy.

I really don't know who I am anymore and on top of that, I'm craving alcohol.. I keep thinking, should I start drinking again, could I have 1 or 2 then stop? Would I go back to drinking all the time? Do I want to ruin over 2 years of sobriety? What if I just have 1 drink? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Fucking fed up of battling with life, everyday is a battle to survive and I'm getting so tired of it all. After my dad passed away I don't know who I am anymore, it breaks my heart because I used to be so out going and bubbly and now I feel I'm just a shell of a person. I feel dead inside, I'm on that much medication I feel numb to everything. I get little pleasure out of being alive.  The only reason I haven't ended my life is because I couldn't bare my children feeling the way I do over losing a parent. Well, thanks for listening to me moan x

I've gained so much weight since taking Olanzopine, I battle every week with trying to lose weight. Why is life so unfair, some times I look at myself and think, I've always been a bigger girl so accept it and then I'll look at myself and think how disgusting.  Every Monday without fail I try to lose weight, surely I can't be the only female that does this? I don't even know what else to say, ok, goodnight x

834 days sober and I feel like drinking, thought it best to blog about it before I pick a drink up! I don't want to drink again but at the same time, I kinda miss it.. I miss being in a pub, I miss the social interacting.  I have to remind myself of how depressed and suicidal I was in alcohol. Tell you what, sobriety is hard work!!😭 I don't need a drink I keep telling myself, I've got this. The cravings will go I'm sure... Urgh, life is not easy at all for me. Everyday is a battle and I'm bloody tired of it!! Anyway, as much as I'm craving alcohol, I simply won't do it.

What if when we die, we just die. What if I never get to see my dad again? I do believe I'll see him again and I believe there is an afterlife but what if I'm wrong? What if the last time I saw him as he passed away, was THE last time!? You know, having cancer myself and losing my dad to cancer has really messed me up as a person. I'm so lost in life. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about seeing my dad again and I've said it a few times, but if I didn't have my children, I would of killed myself by now. That's how bad my mental health is.. Could I of done more to save my father, I ask myself this daily.

Wow, 820 days sober. It's crazy because these past few days all I've thought about is alcohol! I could just drink a Jack Daniels & diet coke, I can taste it as I write this blog but what I have to keep in mind is how depressed and destructive alcohol made me. I mean, I'm still depressed, but I can handle my depression better whilst I'm sober. Over 2 years sober and I still crave alcohol. I think sobriety is something I'll have to battle with for the rest of my life but my main goal is to stay sober!! I can do this. Anyway, it's Easter today and my diet has gone out the window. I'll start a fresh tomorrow.  Happy Easter 🐰 🐣 💓 

2020 my dad died of cancer aged 55 years 2021 I had cancer 2022 the year I went sober I'm still sober and I'm still alive How, I don't know. I still don't know how I make it through each day. My will to live comes from my children. I just couldn't bare my children morning over my death like I am the death of my father. Do you ever really heal when you lose a parent. My whole life turned upside down and the only positive that has come from my father's passing , is me getting sober. If you're on this sober journey too, a massive well done because I know first hand that it isn't easy. I've been sober over 2 years and I still crave alcohol, I just don't give into temptation.  I've become so numb to life, my days just roll into one. I'm not thriving, I'm simply just surviving.