Every day is like groundhog day, I tell myself, its not just you Ann-louise, other people feel the way I do.. But that doesnt really help how I feel. I know im not the only person to struggle with life. Depression is so real and it doesnt get talked about enough. Ive been depressed for as long as I can remember, but that day my father passed away, a switch got turned off inside of me. A light went out. My world went dark. My whole world was turned upside down. I didnt just lose my father that day, I lost my bestfriend in whole world. I wonder if ill still be here this time next year?...
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You know, I smile at people when I do the school run and theyd never know how dark and depressed I am inside. I hide it so well. I feel like crying today, my fathers death punches me in the gut every single day. I cant deal with his death.. What a sad, lonely, withdrawn from the world, person I have become. Im consumed by emptiness and sorrow. I act like im ok when anybody asks, but deep down, I am dead inside. How do I get through this grieving process?? Theres a dark hole inside my gut, its like a weight I carry around with me everyday. How can emptiness feel so heavy???
I died that day too.
Just sat listening to some of dads songs, dont know why I did, I just did and now im filled with sadness. He was only 55 years old!! Im so angry with life, maybe this is why im not enjoying being alive, is it because im filled with so much sadness and anger over my fathers death. How can I be happy when im filled with grief?!? I miss that man more than anything in the entire world, im consumed with death and grief. Theres no room for happiness because im eaten away at by death and darkness. The day my father died, I died inside too.
Keep seeing adverts on tv about funeral care, so thought to myself, maybe I should plan mine now as you never know when youre going to kill yourself right?!? Wrong!.. you have to be over 50 to take out a plan!! What about us that dont think we'll make it to 50?? Anyway, thats that plan gone out the window. I know I sound morbid, ive always been a morbid person, ive never been scared to die, maybe thats because ive suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. I hope one day I can look back on my blogs and see how far ive come, I hope one day I find true happiness in life. We can all wish, right?
Im having a better day today, I mean its been well over 2 weeks since I last had a better day so im glad its finally arrived! Dont get me wrong, I still wish id just die in my sleep but im happy to be alive to see my children another day. EUPD is horrible, you just dont know how youre going to feel one day to the next. I keep thinking about christmas, im not excited at all, I just hope I make it as good as I can for my children. As much as it pains me, I do plan on staying alive. Thats the plan anyway but who knows...
