Cancer, Depression and Me.

Would I be sober now if my dad was still alive? I doubt it, so what made me go sober.. I don't even know. January 1st 2022 I decided to do dry January and raise money for CRUK (cancer research uk) after completing my 31 days abstinent from alcohol I decided to stay sober. I'm over 19 months sober now, it will be 2 years January 1st 2024. On my dads death certificate, under Esophageal cancer, it said Cirrhosis of the liver... I cant help but think, if my dad never had esophageal cancer was he going to die early anyway due to alcohol and that plays on my mind. I think something clicked inside me that if I didnt stop drinking my children would end up burying me at a young age, and as much as I want to die most days, I dont want to die, does that make sense? Its intrusive thoughts that I battle with daily. I guess me going sober was a positive that came out of my fathers death. My dad was my drinking partner and ive said before how I hit the bottle hard after he died. So what made

Been the hospital today to check if my cancer is back and thank god its not! I was so nervous but im glad I went and its all good news. Its also my 2nd born sons 20th birthday today, I remember last year on his birthday, I was in a real bad way mentally, I was on suicide watch thats how bad it was. My son didnt leave my side I was that depressed. Thats how I know im getting better because today I dont want to kill myself, you know what, im doing ok. I just have to take things day by day, step by step. Im getting there. I honestly think Olazopine and the fight I have inside me to stay alive has saved me from suicide. Today is a good day.

Just been looking through photos of my dad and it makes me so sad hes not here anymore. He was 55 years old and im angry that he was taken away from me. FUCK YOU CANCER!!!! I fucking hate the fact he could of had so many more years with me but his life was cruely cut short!! I remember my counsellor from Dove bereavement saying there are many stages of grief and you can revisit them at any time, well today im angry that my dad died. Im angry and sad. Im sad that my kids wont ever see their grandad and that my youngest was only 4 years old when he passed away. Im sad that I lost my bestfriend. Im angry that cancer took my dad from me. I dont think ill ever come to terms with the death of my father..

Since my dad passed away, I only really have my sister. I speak to her most days but only see her maybe once a month. She has her own life to live, I know that.. My family don't bother with me, I only have my 4 children. I don't think they really know the extent of my depression. I think its because I hide it well until I blog about it. This blog is the only thing I have to vent too, how sad is that. My brother stopped speaking to myself and my sister over a year ago because he got back with his ex wife and its a shame because we use to be so close. My mum only talks about herself, theres no empathy from her. I dont see my mum much anymore and once again, we use to be close. Since my dad died my family fell apart. My whole life fell apart. Im empty inside. Id go as far to say, im dead inside... On the upside, I was 600 days sober yesterday. After my dad died I hit the bottle hard, then I had cancer and well, I was drinking a bottle of whisky a night. Now im over 19 months sober

Another day trapped in my own mind stuck in my house. When the kids go back school, ill still be trapped in my own mind inbetween doing the school run. I want to be working but I know im not well enough mentally. When will life get easier? I really want to come off my medication but what if the tablets are the only thing keeping me alive? How sad is it that I have to be so medicated just to get through the days...

Stepped on a plug this morning, didn't really hurt, then I noticed it had taken a chunk out of one of my toes and was bleeding. Long story short, how did I barely feel a thing?? My medication has completely numbed me, I barely cry and im hurting inside so much but don't really show any emotion. I feel numb to life, I have no interest in anything. Couldn't even be bothered to write this blog but its the only thing I have to talk to.. How sad is that! I've been thinking of weening myself off my medication, I just don't feel anything anymore and I know its because of the meds. I want to die but I don't want to leave my children, do you know how hard I fight everyday to stay alive for them?.. I'd love for my kids to know how sad I am inside, id love for someone to read my blogs and know im miserable being alive. Id love for someone to say its ok to die now, your kids will be fine. I know thats never going to happen, so im stuck living a life I hate.