Cancer, Depression and Me.

Don't know if I mentioned before but my  medication has been increased.  I'm now on the highest Venlafexine you can be on, 375mg and 10mg Olanzapine.  It's been a few weeks since the increase, the first week of the increase I wanted to die, I was having suicidal thoughts alot.. Now, I'm feeling ok, I knew I'd have the suicidal thoughts with the change in meds and because I had this understanding, I feel I was able to deal with them better. It's like I was prepared to be sad, I just didn't realise how sad I'd actually be but here I am still alive. Yay, she writes sarcastically.  X

So I've finally come out of my depressive state of mind. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get through them real low days. Anyway, I'm thankful for today, I'm thankful I'm alive, I'm thankful that my children are all healthy and thriving in life. It's crazy because I'm surviving in life but I try my best so my kids can thrive and enjoy life. One day I'll write on here in the future,  about how I'm thriving and absolutely loving life. It's not today haha but today is a good day. Of course I thought about my dad today, I do everyday, but today I snapped myself out of it and then I smiled. I actually smiled a real smile. Let's hope this good mood lasts 💕

The weather is lovely, it was red hot yesterday. My son took me to a milkshake farm in Caverswall, it was really nice to get out the house. I spent the day doing washing and drying it on the line. Woke up today sunburnt. Don't know if I mentioned but my meds were tweaked again so I'm on an even higher dose, at first for a few days I felt so low, suicidal thoughts, the lot, but now I feel better about being alive. I'm praying this better feeling lasts but unfortunately it never does. EUPD & BPD I've been diagnosed with. After reading about BPD that my psychiatrist gave me for some light reading haha, turns out everything ive been going through actually all makes sense. The highs and extreme lows. I feel better now I understand more. Anyway, it's Monday and usually I'd feel shit about it being Monday but today I don't. Happy Monday xxx

What a day, I've done 3 lots of laundry and gutted under my sons bed. Talk about manic. I'm feeling ok, sat in the garden alone whilst the washing dries thinking of my dad. Sigh. I miss him so much. Anyway, the sun is shining and today is a better day. ✨️ 

For the past few days the intrusive thoughts have been so overwhelming, I just want to die. I think to myself, if one day these intrusive thoughts get the better of me and I end up taking my own life, I hope my children see my blog and realise just how much their mum tried to stay alive. I don't think my family realise the severity of my illness. It's not a low mood, i'm ill, like, I am sick in the head and it's slowly killing me off. This not wanting to be alive is a horrible feeling. I feel like no one understands whats going on inside of me. I hope in a few days these feelings pass. Jesus take the wheel, cuz I can't do this life on my own.

Just been out for dinner, I don't get out much, I prefer my own company. Too much effort some days to smile, so it's easier to just stay at home. Nothing fits me, i've gained so much weight because of the medication, I just feel shitty about life all the time. I said to myself this morning, I am going to embrace being a bigger girl. I also talk shit to myself hahaha. No, I am going try and be more positive about the weight gain, i've got 2 choices. I either come off the medication, lose weight and kill myself or, stay on the medication, live some sort of normal life and be fat.. I choose the latter. When did my weight become a major issue? I have always battled with my weight, up and down it's been since I can rememeber. I'm nearly 40 years old, life is too short to be worrying about my weight, it's time I just embraced a fuller figure and on that note, goodbye xxx

Hows life going? I'm ok. I'm getting through the days and that is something to be proud of. I am still alive. My life isnt really going anywhere, I have no asperations. It's sad really. I can't even read a full book anymore, I don't watch tv, I sort of just drift through the days. I'm still just surviving, not thriving. I keep thinking to myself, this time next year, hopefully, I will be a different person, a happier person. If I don't think like this, what is the point in living? All the weight I lost, I have gained because of the medication, its a viscious cicrle.. They say 'we are here for a good time, not a long time' but i'm not even having a good time and I hope i'm not here for a long time.