Cancer, Depression and Me.

I have come to realise, I need to take the good with the bad. Everyday isn't going to be happy and I now know that there will be good and bad days. Since taking new medication I sort of see things differently now, a more calm look on life. I tell myself that there will indeed be bad days and that's something I need to rememeber. I feel in limbo with explaining how I feel, I don't feel sad but I don't feel happy. I feel a bit lost in life. My dad dying of cancer, and then me having cancer has really messed my life up. I think the trauma was too much for me to handle, saying that, I am still alive. I'm doing something right.

Jesse-John just said to me, "grandad was 55, he died 55? what age will you die mummy?" My reply was "not yet". What does 'not yet' even mean. I guess one thing, it means I am getting better because I probably would of usually said 'hopefullly soon'. Will I ever come to terms with what has happened to my dad? I doubt it. I think this is me now for the rest of my life, messed up and having to rely on medication to keep me sane. What a sad existance I will be living until I die............................

Didn't think I had any emotions in me with taking Olanzapine, turns out I do have emotions because my dad's car has just gone and I've cried and cried. That car was my dad's absolute pride and joy.  Today is a sad day. I keep telling myself that it was time to let go of the car but it hurts inside so badly. I've got to try and move forward in life, as hard as it will be, my children need their mum stronger than I'm feeling. Honestly, if I didn't have my kids I'd he dead already.

390 days sober today, amazing. Still, I don't understand how but I'm doing it.  It's getting easier, finally. Everyday is a silent battle. It's only alcohol isn't it, but when you've consumed it as much as I did, some days are harder than others. Today I am 390 days sober and I am proud of me xxx

Some times I think about stopping this blogging thing, why do I even do it? It has become a place to get shit off my chest that is for sure. Anyway, I came on here to talk about tomorrow. Tomorrow my dads car goes away for ever, it is being scraped. I have very mixed emotions about all of this. I know it is time to try and move on and live some sort of existence and dads car has been sat on my drive for 2 years now, but I don't want to let go because it was my dads pride and joy. My dad would be saying get rid, I just know it but it's a massive thing for me to be doing. I have that many of my dads belongings it unreal, including his ashes in my bedroom. This about the car makes me sad. But, I know its time to say goodbye. Its a move forward in my grieving (I think). I say to myself and now on here "my dad is waiting for the day we meet again, we will meet again, it's just not my time just yet. My boys need their mumma". I'm so sad that I have to wait to see h

I talk to myself alot, out loud. I have to tell myself outloud that I am going to be ok. If I have to walk anywhere I have to say it over and over. Anxiety is a bitch! This increased Olanzopine, I have become numb to everything. I stopped writing poetry, the words stopped, my feelings have stoppped, I feel like a walking empty vessel. I can't describe the pain inside from losing my dad, I never felt heartbreak like it. I'm alot stronger than I was and I know it's thanks to all the medication I take but also, many of times I have very nearly ended my life but with true will power I have saved myself. Me. I've put in a hard graft to beat them dark days and believe me when I say this, them days are real dark and very lonely. My days aren't filled with joy and happiness yet but they look alot brighter than they did. Today, I keep using the phrase 'good day' I am having a good day. There is nothing good about it but I'm not suicidal, so in that respect, it is

Thought I would talk about how I still do not understand how I have made it to today, I don't really rememeber alot since my dad died, everything is a blur. I feel like I survive evryday, I don't enjoy life, it seems to just pass by. Not really sure how I float through the day but I do, unwillingly, I am indeed living. I might only be a shell but I am slowly finding myself. I know I dont't mind being on my own, I have become so strong with managing my feelings. I don't stay sad for long anymore, I don't hold grudges now, do as you would like to be done, what you do, you will receive. I give love so freely, I love and I desire to be loved. Not asking much, right? Hahaa I read about manifestation, so I want to try and write more positive. Manifestation, write it down and hope for the best! Anyway, so yeah, ermm, I'm still here and it has got to be a mixture of medication and strength from above that keeps me going everyday. xxx