Cancer, Depression and Me.

 Eeekkkkkkkkkk I literally just typed my book name into amazon (with eBook at the end) and my bloody book came up, all of a sudden i went sick with fear thinking about negative feedback, i am also extremely anxious about people reading very personal poems. The idea is to reach people that are feeling like me and them thinking to themselves "that is exactly how i feel". People get to see in black and white just how much i am suffering inside. I truly fight every day to stay alive,  i don't want to die but i don't to feel like this anymore, i can have people around me, yet still feel so alone. If anyone ever reads my blogs, it would be lovely if you purchase the short book because the poems go with the posts i write on here. It weird really because it all happened so fast, i just woke up a few weeks back and thought to myself, publish them depressing dark poems you've been writing for nearly 2 years, so i did. Wouldn't recommend doing it at all hahahaa, the only

 Don't know if i have mentioned before but, 4 Sunday's ago i found myself in church. I have either lost my mind completely or i have had some sort of spiritual awakening, regardless of what you think, i am sticking with the latter. I do feel like since i had my surgery for cancer that something changed in me, i feel like i had some sort of epiphany this year, first i stopped drinking alcohol, then i end up in church hahahaa (if i don't laugh, i will cry) but seriously though, what has happened to me?? Anyway, back to the church thing, a few weeks back, in the evening ( i may be repeating myself) i was sat on my back doorstep, it was dark, i was feeling really low as usual and i asked myself why i was still alive. I thought to myself, these exact words 'you'd be better off dead' and then after that something happened, i started seeing things you wouldn't usually see, like signs let's say. So that's when the publishing of the eBook came about, the word

Not sure if I've talked about my sobriety in the past [I don't read back what I write] January 1st 2022. The day I had what I can only describe as an Epiphany.  I'd already signed up and dedicated myself to the Dry January Dryathalon, for CRUK, and I was raising money, there's no way I wasn't going sober for January. So I got to the end of January and thought to myself, hang on a minute, if I can go 31 days without alcohol then why not carry on.. So the reason for this blog is because today I hit 300 days sober. Now some may read this and think 'I don't drink alcohol, no big deal' It is to me, after my dad's death I hit the bottle hard, then finding out I had cancer 5 months after losing my dad, I hit the bottle harder. My life spiraled out of control, I wasted alot of money on Jack Daniels to be precise.  If I hadn't of stopped drinking, hand on heart, my kids would of buried me already, or burnt me, I don't really care. Let me just talk abo

I literally wake up whilst it's still dark, I tiptoe to the toilet, so I don't wake anyone, I climb back into my warm bed I lie there in silence as I wait for Jesse to rise, I do my motherly duties and I wait for nighttime to come Then I repeat this daily. The end.

 Firstly, Netflix really pulled it out the bag with this tearjerker, secondly, i should of read what it was about and avoided, or was i meant to watch this? Who knows. One thing i do know is, i produce a lot of tears for someone who is only 5ft 3". I related to a few characters, i relived some scenes all over again, it has brought everything to the surface, well that happened Father's Day this year [2022] Everything hit me, then just recently, since taking the news meds, my own cancer hit me, i was like, when the fuck did all this happen?!?! This series also made me realise how messed up, mentally, cancer has made me. I'm a different person, i'm not sure who i am, but i am definitely different. Now i'm on a self-healing/finding journey.

Can not sleep, minds on overdrive, Sharon's funeral today. Jesse-John stayed Damians last night, I went asleep easy enough [thanks Olanzapine] but now I'm wide awake. Not got a clue what I'm going to wear. I've not been back to the crematorium since dad's funeral, I've had people I know pass away since dad but I couldn't go their funeral. I'm going struggle today.  I feel numb to all this death that happens around me, its like I've blocked out any emotion or the Olanzapine has blocked it for me. Feel like I just keep getting winded and by time my body adjusts, I get winded all over again.

 This isn't the first time I have asked myself this question. Why put me through so much pain and suffering with my own cancer, that I am continuously punished in life, by cancer taking away the people I love, the people I have grown up with, my friends, dads' friends. Just why? Why am I still alive? I was even told; my cancer could come back. The constant worry over the slightest thing wrong with me. How cruel is this world we live in? I just don't understand why I am still here. One thing I do know is, I am one strong ass woman!!! I honestly believe I am being taught a very hard and cruel lesson, but what was it I did so wrong in life to be punished to this degree?