Cancer, Depression and Me.

Bereavement Counselling with Dove, I hate Tuesdays 😭😭😭 On Sunday, I had a really bad day mentally.  I cried, I had a panic attack and I cried again. That night I nearly admitted myself into the Harplands. It's Tuesday now and I know how I'm going to be feeling the rest of the day 💔😢 When will all this end, when will I finally feel happy again?!💔

Never related so much to the lyrics.. I'm tired & bored with myself. Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. I've had a few positive days, i've smiled.. then the depression hits hard!! So sick and tired of being sad, i'm 38 years old and it's not normal for my children to see me cry so much, it's just not fair on them! I just want my fucking dad back!!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭 So fed up today. I've cried prepping my Sunday lunch for my boys, i then had a panic attack to the point i had to go sit on the floor outside until i could breath again.. & this is my life???? How is living like this life...

So since I last wrote, I've now had 2 Bereavement sessions with Dove & I've had 2 meetings with my psychiatrist.  My life is still a complete mess when it comes to my mental health.. I'm pained everyday with horrible intrusive thoughts about suicide, I won't do it because it's selfish to my children who I love more than life it's self, but I do often wonder if one day it'll happen and that will be the end of this existence I live. If I had to describe how I'm feeling right now, I would say, my head is literally just above water so to speak. I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm waking up each day not knowing how ill be feeling that day. I've always suffered with "low mood" as the doctors use to say, it wasn't a low mood, I was fucking depressed and now it's even worse. The amount of times in the past, since I was younger I've overdosed or slit my wrist/stomach is unreal. I should of probably been sectioned and gotten th...

 Swear it's been nearly 6 weeks and i'm still waiting for my MRI results 😨 So apparently.. no news is good news... let me just say that is complete and utter rubbish! I think it takes roughly 6-8 weeks for results, plus having Easter grrrrrr i could be waiting for bloody ever.. Any howwww... i am 108 sober, completely alcohol free 💓 So i decided do the Dryathlon for Cancer Research Uk in January, i raised a whopping £100 for a charity that as you know is extremely close to my heart, anyway long story short i carried the AF (alcohol free) thing on after January and here i am still sober in April 💝💝 Why? i hear you asking.  Well, my mental health got so bad, like really bad. I was having intrusive thoughts about walking in front of on coming traffic, i was drinking everyday, i guess it was like self destruct mode without even realising, the suicide thoughts were getting bad and i was wasting my weekends hungover off the binge drinking. I wont lie, it was so hard, but due to ...

3 weeks tomorrow since I had an mri done to find out if my cancer has come back, I remember this waiting, it really is horrible. I had symptoms that indicate cancer has come back. It could be the menopause or just after effects of surgery or cancer.. I guess I'll know soon enough.  People say no news is good news but when I was waiting to see if cancer was in my lymphnodes, my cancer nurse rang me to put me out of my misery, so I'm hoping it's the same this time. If I get a letting inviting me in like the time I was told I had cancer, I'll just know its bad news, and I was never meant to be on this planet for long. Oh well, what will be, will be I guess.. xoxox

It's been a while.. Yesterday I felt so out of sorts, like I couldn't control things that my body was doing inside. I felt tearful & angry, I was stressed & I felt sick. I just wanted to get into bed from the moment I opened my eyes that morning. I still don't sleep well so I am forever tired. It was a full moon last night.. So I walked school this morning & on my way home I had intrusive thoughts of walking infront of oncoming cars. Obviously I didn't.. & the reason been is my 4 children, so anyway, when I got home I had some breakfast and lay down on the settee, I saw a very tiny feather floating, I could see it then all of a sudden it disappeared, then the next thing it was floating to my face, it was that close it was in reaching distance.  I caught it in my hand and closed my fist. I kissed my hand because it was then I knew that, that was my dad letting me know he was with me. I'm sad that, that is the only way I'll know he's around and...

So, it's not like I was an alcoholic but I did enjoy a drink in the evening some nights,  but come the weekend especially a Friday night it was becoming a joke how much alcohol I'd shove down my throat when the kids were in bed.. Saturday mornings and through out the day I was so hungover it was vile so I decided to not only do dry January to detox but at the same time I could raise money for Cancer research uk, so this is how it's going....... Not only was my 38th Birthday on the 10th of January but it's now day 13 and not a single drop of alcohol has touched my lips 💞 I thought I was going drink on my birthday and pay the £20 fee to my fundraising page but I decided not ruin the month and then starting again from the 11th so I didn't, for the 1st time in god knows how long I had a sober birthday. It was the best birthday and I remember it 🤣 I went for a lovely meal had a diet coke and then went for a desert and had a bottle of water 👀 Still can't believe it...