I'm having a bad day 😞

So since I last wrote, I've now had 2 Bereavement sessions with Dove & I've had 2 meetings with my psychiatrist. 

My life is still a complete mess when it comes to my mental health..

I'm pained everyday with horrible intrusive thoughts about suicide, I won't do it because it's selfish to my children who I love more than life it's self, but I do often wonder if one day it'll happen and that will be the end of this existence I live.

If I had to describe how I'm feeling right now, I would say, my head is literally just above water so to speak. I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm waking up each day not knowing how ill be feeling that day.

I've always suffered with "low mood" as the doctors use to say, it wasn't a low mood, I was fucking depressed and now it's even worse.

The amount of times in the past, since I was younger I've overdosed or slit my wrist/stomach is unreal. I should of probably been sectioned and gotten the help I needed but instead they gave me charcoal shit to drink and sent me on my way.

Then the day I collected my dad's ashes that was the nail in the coffin ⚰  how ironic 😒 

I wanted to die!

Now I get help, now after them sedating me and using breathing equipment, now I get the help I've needed all them years!

Should of just let me fucking die...