Its been a while, so here's an update..

 Swear it's been nearly 6 weeks and i'm still waiting for my MRI results 😨

So apparently.. no news is good news... let me just say that is complete and utter rubbish! I think it takes roughly 6-8 weeks for results, plus having Easter grrrrrr i could be waiting for bloody ever..

Any howwww... i am 108 sober, completely alcohol free 💓

So i decided do the Dryathlon for Cancer Research Uk in January, i raised a whopping £100 for a charity that as you know is extremely close to my heart, anyway long story short i carried the AF (alcohol free) thing on after January and here i am still sober in April 💝💝

Why? i hear you asking. 

Well, my mental health got so bad, like really bad. I was having intrusive thoughts about walking in front of on coming traffic, i was drinking everyday, i guess it was like self destruct mode without even realising, the suicide thoughts were getting bad and i was wasting my weekends hungover off the binge drinking.

I wont lie, it was so hard, but due to raising money i got through January, coming to the end of January i realised that i didn't actually need alcohol in my life any more.

I was also referred to a Psychiatrist, i don't mind telling people because i knew i needed more help so i spoke to my Doctor and he couldn't prescribe any higher Antidepressants than i was already on. My Psychiatrist did. Thank god he has. I can see and feel a massive difference in my mental health. Turns out all these years since my teen years, i've been on that many different Antidepressants and finally i was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) my medication may need tweaking, i don't know until i see my Psychiatrist.. But for now i can finally and honestly say I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!

I still cry most days, i dethatch myself from people, i get lost in conversation, i find myself lost staring into nothing for ages, i can not sleep still which will probably one day kill me.. (that's what  Google say from lack of sleep) 😢 but death isn't on the cards this week, so that's a start 💛💛💛

Been in my dads car today as it's on my drive, i doubt i will ever get rid of that car, it was my dads pride and joy. Anyway i always manage go off track, what i was going say is, i've been in dads car today just to smell him. The smell is so strong but it made me cry. I'm getting there slowly, sometimes i think of something dad use to say or i'll see his face in my mind and i smile. I cry alot but having a smile pop out now and then is a massive achievement for me.

I will never get over my dads death, he really was my best friend ever and i miss him so much.

Anyway, it's Easter Monday so i hope you all had lots of chocolate eggs and a stress free Easter 💙

xoxoxoxoxox💓