Cancer, Depression and Me.

It's been a while.. Yesterday I felt so out of sorts, like I couldn't control things that my body was doing inside. I felt tearful & angry, I was stressed & I felt sick. I just wanted to get into bed from the moment I opened my eyes that morning. I still don't sleep well so I am forever tired. It was a full moon last night.. So I walked school this morning & on my way home I had intrusive thoughts of walking infront of oncoming cars. Obviously I didn't.. & the reason been is my 4 children, so anyway, when I got home I had some breakfast and lay down on the settee, I saw a very tiny feather floating, I could see it then all of a sudden it disappeared, then the next thing it was floating to my face, it was that close it was in reaching distance.  I caught it in my hand and closed my fist. I kissed my hand because it was then I knew that, that was my dad letting me know he was with me. I'm sad that, that is the only way I'll know he's around and...

So, it's not like I was an alcoholic but I did enjoy a drink in the evening some nights,  but come the weekend especially a Friday night it was becoming a joke how much alcohol I'd shove down my throat when the kids were in bed.. Saturday mornings and through out the day I was so hungover it was vile so I decided to not only do dry January to detox but at the same time I could raise money for Cancer research uk, so this is how it's going....... Not only was my 38th Birthday on the 10th of January but it's now day 13 and not a single drop of alcohol has touched my lips 💞 I thought I was going drink on my birthday and pay the £20 fee to my fundraising page but I decided not ruin the month and then starting again from the 11th so I didn't, for the 1st time in god knows how long I had a sober birthday. It was the best birthday and I remember it 🤣 I went for a lovely meal had a diet coke and then went for a desert and had a bottle of water 👀 Still can't believe it...

Well what a year.. Hands down the worst year of my entire life. I'm seeing a psychiatrist on January 13th so fingers crossed I can get the help I need and start to enjoy life. I can't wait to wake up 1 day and feel happy to be alive.. here's hoping 🙏🏼  My life will never be the same again now my dad isn't here but I just hope 1 day I find some happiness from inside. I'm doing the Dryathalon for Cancer Research UK, so all of January Zero alcohol will touch my lips. I want to throw myself into fundraising in 2022, I want to raise as much as I can for Cancer Research. I'm doing it for dad & for the fact I'm still alive after having cancer and to be told mine could come back is always a worry,  so here's to raising as much life saving money as possible. 2022 I'm coming!💗 Happy New Year to you all & stay safe xoxox 

2 days ago was my dad's 57th birthday & a year since his funeral. What a year I've had, hands down the worst year of my 37 years of being alive. I've wanted to unalive myself so much but I reached out to professionals & finally im getting help 🙏🏼  I don't want to die but, I don't want to live like this. After dad dying & my own cancer, I didn't realise how bad my mental health had actually got. It took for me to completely withdraw from life for me to ask for help.. I went a good 3 weeks, without bathing, washing my hair, some days I didn't brush my teeth. The housework felt like it was too much to deal with, everything got too much & I just wanted to end it all but I didn't, the reason I didn't is my 4 boys.. If my mental health is this bad, how could I unalive myself & my boys end up feeling the way I am if they were to lose me!? I've now spoke to a psychiatrist & I have a face to face January 13th 2022. Surely the onl...

For some reason I can't upload videos.. So the video was basically me, crying, hit rock bottom 😢  I had two choices going through my head.. Suicide or getting help.. I chose the latter.  It will be a year for my dad tomorrow, I've got a doctors appointment Tuesday and bereavement counselling assessment Wednesday.  I can do this!! Next year when I watch that clip back I want to be in a happy place xoxox

Not been on here for a while, I'd say the past 3-4 weeks I've hit rock bottom with my metal health. I feel like I'm rapped in a dark hole I can't see a way out of, it's not a nice place to be. I made a video about a week ago of just how low I was feeling & since then I watched it back & some days are hard & some days I say to myself 'get dressed & get some fresh air'..'get out of this house Ann-louise'. It really is easier said than done though! I've started having panic attacks when doing the school run, I won't leave the house to go the shop alone. Sounds dumb right? Yeh I know but I can't stop what's happening. It's torture, this isn't living life, this is serving & trying my damn best to be "happy" In 4 days it will be a year since my best friend, my dad took his last breath 💔  As the year has gone on its gotten so hard to come to terms with the fact, I will never see him again until my time ...

How long does the grieving process last? Asking for my self... It's over 11 months, nearly 12 months, nearly a whole year with no dad. November 15th will be 12 whole months of having no dad, no best friend, no soul mate, no one to sit next to my bed when I'm too depressed to get out of it like dad has before, no one to ask me 'mushy peas, why have you cut yourself' 'talk to me', no one to help with my boys, no one to listen to AC/DC with, no one to hug me when I cry, no one to take me to appointments and wait for me to make sure I'm ok and take me home, no one to collect Jesse from school, even though he had cancer and couldn't walk whilst I was at work, no one to call every single day to make sure I was ok because my dad knew how bad my mental health is.. No one.. Treasure every moment of life, like I did with my dad because he was 55 years old and to be taken away that soon makes me so angry and sad. When my dad died, I died inside.