It's been a while..

-
Not been on here for a while, I'd say the past 3-4 weeks I've hit rock bottom with my metal health.
I feel like I'm rapped in a dark hole I can't see a way out of, it's not a nice place to be.
I made a video about a week ago of just how low I was feeling & since then I watched it back & some days are hard & some days I say to myself 'get dressed & get some fresh air'..'get out of this house Ann-louise'. It really is easier said than done though!
I've started having panic attacks when doing the school run, I won't leave the house to go the shop alone. Sounds dumb right? Yeh I know but I can't stop what's happening. It's torture, this isn't living life, this is serving & trying my damn best to be "happy"
In 4 days it will be a year since my best friend, my dad took his last breath 💔 
As the year has gone on its gotten so hard to come to terms with the fact, I will never see him again until my time on earth is done...
How can I be so full of grief & not even be happy that I survived cancer this year?? How does that in itself not make me happy?!
Since I did the video clip of me at my lowest, let me just say the reason I did the video clip is so I can look back hopefully this time next year & finally be happy, but for you to see, that if you're feeling like me, you are not alone. ( I will post the clip at the end)
Since I made the clip, I reached out to my doctor who I see on the 16th November & Dove Bereavement counselling who rang me & I have an assessment on the 17th I think 🤔 with Stoke Wellbeing Services who then after the assessment will guide me down the right route of counselling for my grief that is literally killing me inside.
I'm posting this video to show how low I've been & the 2 options I had left..
Ok so it won't let me upload it Grrrrrr 🙃 
Leave it with me, I'll find a way xoxoxox

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more