Cancer, Depression and Me.

My brother visits me on a Friday, he has so much to say, telling me about his week at work. He just has so much to say and I sit there and listen, I have the odd chuckle at his stupid jokes he says and the whole time, im sat there with nothing to say. I dont tell him about my week of battling intrusive thoughts on a daily basis or that ive spent the whole week alone trapped in my own depressing thoughts. I dont say a thing. Nothing. If nothingness was a word, its how I feel everyday. I dont feel a thing anymore and I have nothing to say, its like I dont exist. Im here in body but my mind is trapped in a dark hole. Do you know how hard I have to fight everyday to just stay alive and I do it for my children. This blog is where I turn to, to get my thoughts out of my head. Due know, ive been writing this blog from when I had cancer, April 2021 and im here today in 2024 still battling my depression. The day my father died is the day I died inside, November 2020. He was 55 years old. He was...

Hi, feeling a little better today. I've ripped my stairs carpet up, everything has gotten on top of me the last few years and my house is a mess, so I just randomly ripped my stairs carpet up. I thought to myself, I need a project, something to occupy the mind, so I decided I would start on the stairs.  Anyway, in my head it looks good but we'll see.. I plan on sanding the stairs and painting each step in a pastel colour. The chalk paints they're called. So like I say, in my head I can see the vision but God knows how it'll end up looking, but I thought a project is just what I need in my life! So, I'll keep you updated 🌈

I want to come off all my medication.. I want to be able to feel again, I'm numb to everything around me. I'm not living, I'm constantly in a drug enduced coma. I take 375mg a day of Venlafexine and 10mg at night of Olanzopine.. That's a lot of drugs in my system. I want to be able to feel again. I want the old Ann-Louise back but I know that's not possible, so I just want to feel again. I want to feel happiness and sadness.  I'm like a zombie, I don't care about anything anymore, I've got no will to live and I'm fed up of it so my next step is to speak to my doctors and see what they say. Something has got to give in my life before I end up killing myself. I can't live like this any longer, something needs to change.. What if I come off the medication and I end up killing myself, the medication is the only thing keeping me going but I hate taking it. I hate being numb. I'm sad and numb! ..what if I come off the medication and find myself?  ....

I can't keep living how I do, I'm so lonely and isolated but I don't know what to do. I don't even know who I am anymore.  I can't keep living how I am, I am so depressed 😞  I said to my self, I can't spend another year living like this but I also can't kill myself because my kids would feel the way I feel and that makes me sad. I couldn't bare my kids suffering with grief like I am. God I miss my dad so much it hurts.

I wish I'd of told my dad I loved him more, I just assumed we'd grow old together. I'm so unhappy without my father. I don't think I can live this life if I don't get better mentally, I don't want to continue living, knowing I have to battle everyday to stay alive. I don't know who I am and I've been trying to find me for the past few years. I put a smile on my face when my kids see me but little do they know, I died too, inside obviously, the day my father passed away. I get no enjoyment out of being alive and I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. If things don't get better, I'm scared I'll just give up and leave my children behind with no mother. I fight everyday for my children. The only reason I'm still alive is for my children. If I knew they'd be ok without me, I'd happily kill myself that's how depressed I am. I don't remember happiness I've been sad for that long.

I'm slipping back into a dark hole and I don't know why, it's taken me a week to build myself up to wash my hair and body, I didn't brush my teeth yesterday..  I don't understand what my purpose in life is and i feel like I don't fit in anymore.  I've gained so much weight with medication I take. Why is being alive such a battle? I'm really struggling with my sobriety just lately, I want to stay sober but I won't lie, I miss drinking, I miss socialising.  To be honest, I just miss the old me, the person I was before the trauma. Before the death of my father. Losing a parent changes your life forever, you see everything different after you lose someone that is the most important person in your life. You lose yourself completely, you'll go through different grieving stages and then revisit them over and over and over again. You fight to stay alive but the whole time you wish you were dead. You stop caring about the world and everything in it, you j...

I feel like I don't fit in any more, since i stopped drinking I've lost a lot of friendships that were clearly built because of alcohol, but now I just feel so lost in life. I kinda miss drinking some times, it's sunny today and my sunny days use to be spent in a pub, now I'm just sat here contemplating life.. I really don't know who I am anymore.