Cancer, Depression and Me.

My youngest son is back today after his 5 day, trip to Wales. The only thing I've done this week was not kill myself and that is an achievement in itself.  I've spent the whole week alone, thinking about death but I got through it. If things don't change in my life I know I'll end up dead at a young age. My therapist said once that if I only survived the day then I did enough. It's so hard getting through each day when all you think about is death. If I was dead I wouldn't have to struggle everyday to survive, how could I even think about death when I have 4 kids who need their mum? You probably think it's selfish to even think about death but you're lucky you don't suffer with mental health. How I'd love to wake up one day and not wear a fake smile. I really do just want to be happy you know..

For over 3 years now since my dads terminal diagnosis I have been so depressed. Over 3 years I have struggled with wanting to live. That is such a long time to suffer with depression, but here I am over 3 years later, I am still alive. Im not thriving, I am just surviving.. Its Wednesday now, ive not left the house in 5 days, I needed go the shop but my anxiety got the better of me, so I ordered my shopping online. I cant even put into words how much I miss my father, it eats away at me every single day. I never got taught how to live a life without him. Im struggling to find myself, im that lost in life, I dont even know who I am anymore. Im Ann-louise, im a mum and thats it. I dont know who im meant to be or where im meant to be going, im just lost in life.

You know, I find myself asking every single day, "why take my dad away?" I'm not even bothered about my own cancer, I just don't understand why my dad had to go away. He was only 55 years old.. I feel like my cancer was a punishment for all the wrong I've done in my life, that's how I deal with it, but losing my dad is killing me, even though its been nearly 3 years without him, every day is a battle to stay alive. My youngest has gone on holiday and the first thing I thought was, shall I kill myself whilst he's away. Do you know how hard I fight every single day to stay alive? It's torture. Honestly, if I didn't have my 4 children I would be dead already...

Not feeling too bad today, still depressed but havent wanted to die. I say I havent wanted to die, but if it happened id be cool about it. Living with depression is hard work, even I dont know how im going to be one day to the next. You just have to fight through them bad days because you know deep down a better day will come. Im still waiting for my better life to arrive...

It's been a week since I blogged, how am I feeling? I'm ok, I'm still alive, still surviving.  The weather is miserable, but I'm feeling ok today. I think I'm always going to be depressed, that's just how I see my life. I don't see a happy ending, but I've read about people that get better and look back on their life and they're happy now, so, who knows maybe next year I'll be blogging about how happy I am. Who knows.. Anyway, it's not today.

I don't know how much longer I can live this life.. Nothing changes and don't say its me that needs to make the changes, because tell me how, tell me how I change my mind set, tell me how I deal with the trauma I carry with me everyday, tell me how not to be depressed because I'd love to be able change these things. I'd love to feel happiness, I'd love to wake up one day and feel ontop of the world. I've got no aspirations, nothing. I'm just a dead soul walking around in a vessel... I really am depressed and I hate it.

Its Wednesday 13th September, every day for the last dew days ive thought about dying. If I didnt have children I would happily kill myself.. damn these kids!! I'm sick of being alive, all im doing is surviving, im not thriving. Each day rolls into the next and nothing changes. Its like groundhog day. Im so depressed and no one knows the extent of how I feel. I have to fight everyday to stay alive because im a mum. I wish someone could take my pain away, I wish I was better and feeling happier. I have to keep reminding myself of how mentally unwell I was this time last year, I know im better but thats the medication! Who even am I?? I dont even know who im meant to be. Im only alive because I have kids and thats a real shame that I have nothing in life I love other than my boys. I have nothing except my children, so in that respect, I guess I have it all but something is missing, and that something is ME.

I did absolutely everything with my dad, we went everywhere together and now I feel like I have no one. I've completely isolated myself from the world and I don't know how to get myself back. I'm so lost in life, I literally exist for my children and that is all..

My youngest baby boy has gone into year 3 today. A year ago today I thought I'd be dead by now but here I am still fighting for my life, I've done the school run and I've even cooked tea for all my children (spaghetti bolognaise). 2 lots might I add, quorn mince for me as I don't eat meat and a meaty one for my boys. I really do love my children, I always say they're the reason I'm here today and I stand by that. I'm trying to get use to my weight gain but it's so hard trying to accept changes to your body. I was told on a few occasions that Olanzopine causes weight gain and it has.. I feel like it's one thing after another that I have to deal with. My weight has always been a problem for me, I've never been happy with the way I look but I'm really trying to accept it. I keep telling myself maybe this is the weight I'm meant to be but I'd love to be skinny.. anyway, I'm feeling better within myself so that's all I can ask.

2 more days and the kids go back to school and I can get back to some sort of routine and normality.  I'm doing ok, I'm lonely but I know it won't be forever, well that's what I keep telling myself.. Sooner or later I will be happy again, its just a case of waiting and not rushing it. Step by step, day by day, I'm getting there.