Cancer, Depression and Me.

My sons 19th birthday today and I've ruined it, or should I say depression has!!! He won't go out for a meal "incase I kill myself". This isn't just destroying me it's destroying my children 😭😭😭

I've come off all my social media, except this blog. I rang a think 2 weeks ago to see if I could possibly see my psychiatrist before the 5th September because my mental health has deteriorated.. 1st September that's the earliest 🤣🤣😭😭😭😭😭 They wonder why there's so many suicides! I NEED HELP!

The day I collect my dad's ashes, I nearly died.. literally.  My doctor told me, he was shocked I was alive, because the amount of prescription sleeping tablets in my blood work wasn't a cry for help, it was to die. I remember crying saying, I know. I often think back and wonder, if I hadn't of been sedated, if I hadn't of been put on breathing equipment, if Zoe hadn't of found me and put her fingers down my throat.. what would it be like to be dead? Would I of found my dad? Is he waiting for me? I know after that day and I'm a great believer, that my dad sent me back. It was not my time to go and since that day back in 2020 I said to myself, I will not leave my children. No matter how hard it gets, I will try my best to not unalive myself.  The thought of my children feeling just an ounce of how I feel, makes me feel physically sick. I couldn't bare them to have this constant pain and hurt inside them. If depression does win one day, I hope my boys read the

 The days are getting shorter, the dark nights are drawing in.. So why do the feel like they're dragging? In the blink of an eye, it will be Christmas and that will be another year i look back on and the only thing achieved, was to see another day...

 If i had to describe inside my head and heart, where would i start? There's a darkness inside of me, it's always been there since my teenage years, it's progressively got worse and since my Dad died, it's gotten a lot darker. I've been on antidepressants since i can remember. All my life it's been classed as a "low mood", it's not a low mood if it's constantly happening. My psychiatrist needs to help me because i can't continue to live my life like this. Yes i have day's where i'm ok but i still cry at least once a day. The dark days outweigh the good days and this isn't living anymore. Im just surviving.  The oxygen inside me, i'm literally using it all to just survive. I've got zero intertest in life, i'm isolated and i'm fucking lonely 😢

Have you ever sat and asked yourself this.. 'Who will miss me when I'm gone?' Lucky you if you haven't.

God im so lonely, just sat and thought about the fact I've got no one since my dad died and I've broke my heart. Fed up of feeling so depressed. 

So as you already know I gave up alcohol 01/01/2022. I'm still sober 23/08/2022. At the begging of January I was at my heaviest I've ever been in my life 15 stone 9lbs 😭😭 I was literally eating my feelings. When I'm sad I was eating alot. I was ordering take aways because the energy I had I was using to survive. Still the same really, only now I think I may have an eating disorder.  I've weighed in today at 12 stone 10lbs... It's been an up and down 8 months regarding my weight but that was until I started fasting and only having a small window to eat. I calories count everything I put in my mouth and only drink water when I'm fasting so it's a clean fast. I must step on the scales at least 4 times a day to see if I've lost any more weight. It's not healthy, I know.. I've not left the house again for a week, I'm falling apart but trying my best keep it together.  I do a 50 hour fast next month to raise money for Oesophageal Cancer. I'll

I can't quite comprehend the fact that I'm never going to see my dad again. It's just not sitting right with me at all. I'm so angry!! 55 years of age, is no age to die, he had so much more life left and love to give! So why did he take my dad. If there's a fucking god, then why didn't he save him. I begged him to save my dad. I'm not religious but I prayed and he didn't answer.. If someone does read my posts, please help me understand why we pray and praise God when my life, well what can I say.. when do I get to be happy? 

Was doing fine all morning, absolutely fine. Then it hits you all over again and you start to cry,  he's never coming back to me, is he?..  No, no he's isn't 💔 ...and your heart breaks all over again.

13.05 & I've just got back into bed. I woke up feeling fine, had some energy so I did some washing pegged it out. I've planted some herbs (we'll get back to this later) and then my energy levels just dropped. Literally, I went sad for no reason at all.. I hate feeling like this  😞  The herb planting thing.. So I got a small green house and I've started planting my own fruits and vegetables. I've been growing my own sunflower now for a few months and it finally has a beautiful yellow bud on it 💛  I spend alot of time alone in my little memory garden, I feel peace and I feel my dad is with me. I miss him so much, it really hurts 💔  I'm convinced the way the country is going, that I will at some point need my own vegetables and potatoes. I don't know why I just feel like I needed to start growing things. I love to be at one with nature, if I can walk barefoot then believe me, I'm going barefoot. I love my hands in the soil whilst I'm planting thi

Is this what my life's become, putting talc on a good 80% of my body because of hot sweats 😓  Oh yeh did mention Cancer forced me to go straight through the Menopause 😭😭😭😭😭😭 You think that's bad, I literally just Googled talc, you know, as you do 😆 and look at this.... I only typed in talc.. is that even how its spelt? haha looks weird 😅 

This blog has sort of become a diary, if I've not got my books at hand to write in, I come on here. I always feel better after I've written down how I feel. I hope if anyone reads my blogs and thinks to them selves 'that's exactly how I'm feeling' then just know that we're in this together and you're not alone. The whole idea of this blog is to just speak out about Cancer, Mental health, Grieving, or just a low day. The whole idea is to let you know that you're not on your own and it helps me, knowing there's other people out there in the world struggling daily like me. My life completely changed November 15th 2020. I will never be the same person again. 🤍

I never in a million years thought to myself, this is how my life would end up. It's been a year & half since my dad died, it's hit me hard this year, I had the cancer last year so I don't remember a single event from 2021. Not a damn thing. Apparently I've blocked it out without even realising.. All I remember is losing my dad November 2020. That's all I can think about. Could I of done anything differently? Should I of seen signs of throat cancer (esophageal)? What was I doing that I failed to notice, my dad was struggling swallow? Why didn't he tell me sooner that he suspected? I could of gotten him seen sooner 😢 I was probably too busy drinking!! Since January 1st 2022 to this day, I've still not touched any alcohol or foods containing alcohol.  Oh it's hard, some days especially summer, when everyone's lives revolves around alcohol. I'm having a really bad day mentally, I rang my psychiatrist to bring my next appointment forward as I

When you spend as much time as I do alone & feeling isolated, you start to question your existence.. It's easy for people to say 'just go for a walk' or 'just leave the house'. It really isn't that simple. My depression & anxiety, some days, just simply won't allow me to leave the house. You know what they say about the 'happy' people you know.. they make look happy but they might be struggling behind closed doors.  After pondering over 'what even is the point of me?' Jesse says to me 'you are the best mummy ever' and that's why I'm still sat here existing.💙 My 4 boys, that is why 💙💙💙💙