Cancer, Depression and Me.

Just had a workman here doing an asbestos check before I get a new thermostat next week and he knew Jay-Dee. He said he was a lovely lad and hes sorry for our loss. Made me well up. Im absolutely gutted. My son should still be here with me. Just watched a tiktok about my dad and im just heartbroken inside. Its the little things that trigger grief. I was doing ok this morning and now i could cry. God I miss them both so much. I hate being alive! I just want to see them both again. I know they'll understand why i can't go yet, my other boys need me. So I have to stay alive. Grief is hard. Anyway, ive paid for Valentines afternoon tea with Jesse today. That will take my mind off things if only for a short time. Everything's going good with Natalie. Could this be the year where I get some happiness? I deserve some and ive waited so long for it. Sat on my bed this morning and contemplated taking Jesse school, but I took him. He breaks up Thursday for a week. Ive been Asda and im...

Well, i went on my date. I went Asda first and brought a bunch of pink roses and a valentines teddy bear. I wanted to treat her. Start as I mean to go on. She had the biggest smile when I gave them to her. I was so nervous waiting outside Cafe Nero, but when I saw her walking towards me I had the biggest smile on my face. We chatted and before I left I gave her a kiss. Honestly feel like im on cloud 9 at the moment. Not felt happiness like this for years and years. I deserve this dont I. Got a smile on my face as I write this blog. Thank you Jesus for sending me someone to love. Im just so happy today. On my way home i got chatting to the Uber driver and he asked if I had any children and I said ive got 4 boys. He asked how old they were because he said i only look young, bless him. I said im 42, he said i only look in my 30s, but anyway, i didn't have the heart to tell him one of my sons passed away, so I just spoke like Jay-Dee was still alive. Anyway, Natalie has lost her sister...

Showered, wash, dried and straightened my hair this morning ready for my date tomorrow. Not going lie im a bit nervous, but im going to go. Met up with 3 of my friends today for a catch up. Jesse is having a sleepover at Damians so I have the bed to myself. Jasper is here, hes sleeping over. Ive just climbed into bed with my dog and im going sleep soon. Its not been a bad day mentally speaking. Tomorrow I will be a week off the weed. Its not been easy, but im trying my best and thats all I can do. Jesse breaks up Thursday for half term. Can't wait not have do the school run. Last night Natalie said 'why dont I stay up late, with it being a Saturday night?'. First of all, fuck off. I can go bed what ever time I want, but secondly im medicated morning and night and my night time meds make me sleepy. Pissed me off a bit when she said that. I can go sleep what ever time I want. I like being in bed for 9. Not got Jesse here now and im still in bed for 9 and I plan on going sleep...

Just sat thinking of the morning the police knocked on my door and told me my son was dead. I am absolutely heartbroken. I dont know how im ever going to come to terms with the death of my father and son. What's fucking wrong with me??! Grief is killing me. Damian said, am I telling the boys there's reasons to live and actually no im not. How can I give them reasons to live when I dont even want to be alive myself? I tell them we live for each other and thats all I can say. Im only alive today because my boys need me. We're all depressed, its just so sad. How am I meant to help my boys with their grief, when im drowning in my own? God life is hard! I was thinking about when my dad told me he had terminal cancer. I felt like id been winded. I can't seem to accept their deaths. Im messed up mentally. My heads a mess. I watched my dad deteriorate over 19 months. He was given 3-4 months without treatment, and 12-18 with, and he lived for 19 months. He didn't want to die...

One more early start tomorrow then two lie ins over the weekend. Jesse breaks up next Thursday for a week and I can't wait haha. Love my sleep i do. Told you its an escape. Monday is fast approaching when I meet Natalie, im not nervous, well I am a tiny bit, but im more excited. Im going buy her some flowers to take with me. Some roses. Its nice to be nice and it'll make her day and thats what its all about. Mentally im doing ok. Trying to see the positives in the day, rather than focusing on negativity. Trying to be thankful more for what I have. Im really trying to get better. Im pushing myself to do more. Whilst grieving for my father and son, im grateful for my living children. My dad and son will be waiting for me when its my time to die. Still wouldnt say no to dying haha. Seriously though, still wish I was dead most days.  Chatting to Natalie somehow brightens up my day. Could she be the one ive prayed for? Who knows, but we'll soon find out. Anyway, teas done and im...

This April, I will be 5 years cancer free and if my next internal looks good, ill be discharged from the hospital. I have a big scar going down my stomach where I had 22 metal staples in. Ive been through so much, yet im still standing. I amaze myself if im honest. I was so tired yesterday, tried to nap, but couldnt fall asleep. I just felt so drained all day. Don't know why. Just put a joint of gammon in my slow cooker to have with chips and gravy for tea. Oh I didn't tell you, the school rang me after school yesterday to tell me Jesse has been hit in the eye with a child's water bottle. I was fuming!! Jesse apparently was lying on the floor crying. I said to the school which ever way you look at this situation, its assault! I said i dont touch my kids so ill be damned if someone else is going to hurt my child. His eye is red and swollen underneath. If it was a tiny bit higher it would of been his eye ball. Honestly, i felt so sorry for him. He was so upset when he come in...

Im so tired, but its the kind of tired that sleep can't fix. Im drained from fighting for my life everyday. Killed me getting Jesse up for school, but hes gone. Im meeting Natalie Monday for a coffee. Im hoping we hit it off. We've been talking now for about 5 weeks, so its time we met. Im so nervous. Ive been on my own that long, I forgotten what its like dating. Im hoping shes the one. But anyway, im tired. Life drains me. Its got to be because im depressed and grieving. Will I be grieving forever? Is this my life now? My sister has been split up with her ex for 7 months and shes already met someone and seems happy. Why am I struggling to move on. Its like im scared of meeting someone new. Don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, ive been smoking weed for years and years, ive never mentioned it before. Feel like I replaced alcohol with weed, so Sunday night I decided to smoke what I had left and call it a day. Long story short, im on day 2 with no weed. Hoping I can s...