Cancer, Depression and Me.

My brother came to visit yesterday but he only stayed an hour or so. He'd had a drink before he came and it made me feel uncomfortable which I think he knew. Don't know why but I can't be around people who are drinking. . Sunday today and I've been Manchester with my boys. It's been good to get out of the house, I hate being in the house and I don't know why. I felt myself having a small panic attack whilst we were out today, I don't know what's wrong with me. Is anxiety part of grief?  I don't know how I'm ever going to get better mentally. I'm having anxiety attacks about starting driving lessons. What is wrong with me?!? Back to the school run tomorrow,  I'm dreading been by myself when the kids aren't here. The routine will be good for me but in-between the school run I'm going to be sat on my own, and that's not good. My ex Zoe has invited me this week for food and I'm not sure what to do. My anxiety is killing me off...

So I've been to the cinema to watch the new Lion King Mufasa. It was on for what felt like forever, 2 hours is a long time but I enjoyed the film. I went with Jesse, my sister and her 3 kids. We then walked into town where I got Jesse a new hair cut and brought some essentials. I was stood in the bakery and a man started a conversation with Jesse and gave him a sweet. He said is it just the 1 you have and I said no, I have 4 boys. My heart sank, I wanted to tell him how 1 of my boys lives in heaven but I just kept it to myself. I will always be a mum to 4 boys even though 1 of my sons lives in heaven. Anyway, im back home now doing some washing. It's been a nice day. I'm trying my best to get out of the house more. I meed to keep busy to keep my mind occupied. When I'm sat on my own I just sit thinking of Jay-Dee. Oh how I wish things were different but they're not, and I need to come to terms with the fact I'll never see Jay-Dee again until I die. I'll be h...

Well let me start by saying Happy New Year. I'm not feeling to bad. The past couple of days have been ok. I'm taking Jesse the park today to play on his new scooter. Was a good idea the other day but its freezing today. Anyway, I've got take him, I promised him. Can't believe how hard the Christmas holidays have been for me mentally. Its been a battle. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow so that's another day of something to do. Makes life alot easier when I have things to do. It takes my mind off all the trauma.  My friend told me sign up to Facebook dating but if I'm honest, I don't think I'm mentally well enough to meet anyone new. It's so cold today, I'm sat drinking my cup of tea and I'm freezing. I'm praying that 2025 will be a better year. I can't do another year like 2024, I'm not strong enough mentally. It won't be long before I'm back to doing the school run. I'm going to rejoin the gym again too. I just need ...

Yesterday was my hardest day, the wanting to kill myself was overwhelming. I really had a battle on my hands, but i reached out to friends from church and they got me through the day. Thank you Jesus. So thankful that I made it through the past couple of days. My friend came see me today and we both had a cry and talked for hours. It was just what I needed. Tonight is NYE and my son Jensen has booked a table for us all to go for food at 7pm. I'll have 3 of my boys with me, we're just missing Jay-Dee. Life is so hard but I'm getting through each day and for that I'm so thankful.  You wouldn't believe how thankful I am that I didn't end my life. Anyway, Happy New Year and let's pray 2025 is better. I'm praying for a better year. 2024 has destroyed what was left of me. The only way when you hit rock bottom is up, right? I've got this, I think.

I've done nothing but cry today, I've been my mums and broke my heart. Told her I can't do this anymore. Broke my heart on the phone to my brother and sister. I'm having a really bad day mentally. Same yesterday, I lay in the bath and thought about slicing my wrists open. I'm suicidal today too. I can't do this anymore. I think I'm going have to ring the Samaritans or ring The Sutherland Centre who im under with my psychiatrist. Today is a really bad day. I honestly don't know how I'm getting through each day. My kids are always at the front of my thoughts, everyday, but today I feel like I'm drowning with suicidal thoughts.  I've gone through so much within the past 4 years, I can't deal with the overload of trauma. I lost my 55 year old dad, I had cancer and now my son is dead. That's a hell of alot for the mind and body to deal with. I honestly can't cope with life anymore.

Woke up today crippled with anxiety. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so depressed it's unreal. I just wish my life was over. I'm fed up. It's been 30 weeks without my son here with me. I'm not doing well today, I wish I was dead. Death would be easier than living this life. I'm not thriving, I'm simply just surviving.  Sundays are a hard day. When I woke up this morning I had to force myself to get out of bed. My body didn't want to get up but I had to for the kids. Everything I do is for them.  It's only dinner time and I already want to climb back into my bed and stay there. I'm going go walk my dog and get some fresh air see if that helps. Today is a shit mental health day. I could cry. I'm so tired of fighting to stay alive. It's draining me. I feel trapped in this house! So tired of my mental illness I'm ready give up. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of life.

Well Christmas is over and done with, thank god. Its been hard, Christmas day I didn't even want to talk to anyone but I did. It's been a quiet Christmas, I didn't want to celebrate it. My first Christmas without my child here. Oh it's been hard. My mental health has plummeted.. I had my brother here for Christmas day and night and I spent boxing day playing games and watching the new Squid Games with Jensen and Jasper. It was lovely. We all miss Jay-Dee so much. My friend is coming visit tomorrow, I've not seen her in forever so it'll be nice to catch up. I've been the shops this morning with Jesse on his new scooter and been the chemist to collect my crazy meds!. How sad is it that I have to rely on medication to get through each day?  2025 has got to be a better year or I won't make it. I can't do another year like this one. I can't take it anymore. Something has got to give. I need a break in life before I give up.