Cancer, Depression and Me.

My sons 19th birthday today and I've ruined it, or should I say depression has!!! He won't go out for a meal "incase I kill myself". This isn't just destroying me it's destroying my children 😭😭😭

I've come off all my social media, except this blog. I rang a think 2 weeks ago to see if I could possibly see my psychiatrist before the 5th September because my mental health has deteriorated.. 1st September that's the earliest 🤣🤣😭😭😭😭😭 They wonder why there's so many suicides! I NEED HELP!

The day I collect my dad's ashes, I nearly died.. literally.  My doctor told me, he was shocked I was alive, because the amount of prescription sleeping tablets in my blood work wasn't a cry for help, it was to die. I remember crying saying, I know. I often think back and wonder, if I hadn't of been sedated, if I hadn't of been put on breathing equipment, if Zoe hadn't of found me and put her fingers down my throat.. what would it be like to be dead? Would I of found my dad? Is he waiting for me? I know after that day and I'm a great believer, that my dad sent me back. It was not my time to go and since that day back in 2020 I said to myself, I will not leave my children. No matter how hard it gets, I will try my best to not unalive myself.  The thought of my children feeling just an ounce of how I feel, makes me feel physically sick. I couldn't bare them to have this constant pain and hurt inside them. If depression does win one day, I hope my boys read the

 The days are getting shorter, the dark nights are drawing in.. So why do the feel like they're dragging? In the blink of an eye, it will be Christmas and that will be another year i look back on and the only thing achieved, was to see another day...

 If i had to describe inside my head and heart, where would i start? There's a darkness inside of me, it's always been there since my teenage years, it's progressively got worse and since my Dad died, it's gotten a lot darker. I've been on antidepressants since i can remember. All my life it's been classed as a "low mood", it's not a low mood if it's constantly happening. My psychiatrist needs to help me because i can't continue to live my life like this. Yes i have day's where i'm ok but i still cry at least once a day. The dark days outweigh the good days and this isn't living anymore. Im just surviving.  The oxygen inside me, i'm literally using it all to just survive. I've got zero intertest in life, i'm isolated and i'm fucking lonely 😢

Have you ever sat and asked yourself this.. 'Who will miss me when I'm gone?' Lucky you if you haven't.