Cancer, Depression and Me.

 Emotions are running high already as it's my baby Jasper's 14th birthday 💕  Jasper was always my baby with having a bit of a gap between him and his 2 older brothers who are Irish Twins i think they call it or i may of just made that part up.. anyway what was i saying?? no seriously, that's how bed my memory has become. Yes Jesse is my baby too.. ok so anyway..... So obviously I'm on yet another downer, don't think I've missed a day this week.. go me! I for the 1st time since i had my Memory Bear made out of my Dad's clothes that Damian kindly brought for me off my boys, just broke my heart. I hugged my bear thinking i was hugging my Dad & i just let the tears fall from my eyes. This wasn't a silent cry, i let my emotions cry out & i didn't care if anyone heard me or saw me hugging a bear. I needed this, i needed to cry, i needed to finally let it out. I just realised, my Dads never coming back & that shit hurts!!!!!

 Lying still in the bath,         i close my eyes & i drift away. not sure where i'm going but my mind is free, the soothing water ripples around my body, comforting me i needed to drift away..         No thoughts of anything, just complete silence.. Have you ever just wanted to drift away?? Me too.....

Bereavement Counselling with Dove, I hate Tuesdays 😭😭😭 On Sunday, I had a really bad day mentally.  I cried, I had a panic attack and I cried again. That night I nearly admitted myself into the Harplands. It's Tuesday now and I know how I'm going to be feeling the rest of the day 💔😢 When will all this end, when will I finally feel happy again?!💔

Never related so much to the lyrics.. I'm tired & bored with myself. Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. I've had a few positive days, i've smiled.. then the depression hits hard!! So sick and tired of being sad, i'm 38 years old and it's not normal for my children to see me cry so much, it's just not fair on them! I just want my fucking dad back!!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭 So fed up today. I've cried prepping my Sunday lunch for my boys, i then had a panic attack to the point i had to go sit on the floor outside until i could breath again.. & this is my life???? How is living like this life...

So since I last wrote, I've now had 2 Bereavement sessions with Dove & I've had 2 meetings with my psychiatrist.  My life is still a complete mess when it comes to my mental health.. I'm pained everyday with horrible intrusive thoughts about suicide, I won't do it because it's selfish to my children who I love more than life it's self, but I do often wonder if one day it'll happen and that will be the end of this existence I live. If I had to describe how I'm feeling right now, I would say, my head is literally just above water so to speak. I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm waking up each day not knowing how ill be feeling that day. I've always suffered with "low mood" as the doctors use to say, it wasn't a low mood, I was fucking depressed and now it's even worse. The amount of times in the past, since I was younger I've overdosed or slit my wrist/stomach is unreal. I should of probably been sectioned and gotten th

 Swear it's been nearly 6 weeks and i'm still waiting for my MRI results 😨 So apparently.. no news is good news... let me just say that is complete and utter rubbish! I think it takes roughly 6-8 weeks for results, plus having Easter grrrrrr i could be waiting for bloody ever.. Any howwww... i am 108 sober, completely alcohol free 💓 So i decided do the Dryathlon for Cancer Research Uk in January, i raised a whopping £100 for a charity that as you know is extremely close to my heart, anyway long story short i carried the AF (alcohol free) thing on after January and here i am still sober in April 💝💝 Why? i hear you asking.  Well, my mental health got so bad, like really bad. I was having intrusive thoughts about walking in front of on coming traffic, i was drinking everyday, i guess it was like self destruct mode without even realising, the suicide thoughts were getting bad and i was wasting my weekends hungover off the binge drinking. I wont lie, it was so hard, but due to r

3 weeks tomorrow since I had an mri done to find out if my cancer has come back, I remember this waiting, it really is horrible. I had symptoms that indicate cancer has come back. It could be the menopause or just after effects of surgery or cancer.. I guess I'll know soon enough.  People say no news is good news but when I was waiting to see if cancer was in my lymphnodes, my cancer nurse rang me to put me out of my misery, so I'm hoping it's the same this time. If I get a letting inviting me in like the time I was told I had cancer, I'll just know its bad news, and I was never meant to be on this planet for long. Oh well, what will be, will be I guess.. xoxox