Cancer, Depression and Me.

How long does the grieving process last? Asking for my self... It's over 11 months, nearly 12 months, nearly a whole year with no dad. November 15th will be 12 whole months of having no dad, no best friend, no soul mate, no one to sit next to my bed when I'm too depressed to get out of it like dad has before, no one to ask me 'mushy peas, why have you cut yourself' 'talk to me', no one to help with my boys, no one to listen to AC/DC with, no one to hug me when I cry, no one to take me to appointments and wait for me to make sure I'm ok and take me home, no one to collect Jesse from school, even though he had cancer and couldn't walk whilst I was at work, no one to call every single day to make sure I was ok because my dad knew how bad my mental health is.. No one.. Treasure every moment of life, like I did with my dad because he was 55 years old and to be taken away that soon makes me so angry and sad. When my dad died, I died inside.

Always struggled with depression but the past 12 months has been so hard, my dad died aged 55 from Esophageal cancer and 5 months after his death I was diagnosed with cancer. After my dad's death, the day I collected his ashes I took enough prescribed sleeping tablets to kill me.. I was sedated & put on breathing equipment... I'm still alive and thank god I am for my 4 children. I struggle every single day with the darkness in my head, I cry to people but they don't understand but I'm still here and still fighting 💗 Stay strong even on the darkest of days xxx

Just sitting thinking after my dad was told he only had months live, how that must of felt.. How when I asked him, what type of funeral he wanted, how he must of felt. I'm sat thinking, how the fuck does anyone answer them questions?? I play the songs he wanted and I remember tears just running down my face, I had to ask but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's been 10 months 2 days without you dad & my heart hurts more every single day 💔 

So as we all know from the past nearly 2 years with covid and lockouts, it's phone appointments with the doctors, I've been continuously bad since having covid and I've only had my first jab, I've had a bad throat for about 5 days now and the past day or so I can't swallow without feeling like my own saliva is struggling get past a lump in my throat, so when the receptionist this morning said I can get you a phone call tomorrow, I was like, ok brill. Then she asked for a brief description of the problem, I said well, I can't swallow without struggling so I've either got tonsillitis or esophageal cancer 😂😂 straight to the point as always haha. All of a sudden I could be seen today.. I explained my problem, then whilst crying explained about my dad's cancer and then my cancer so I'm scared of dying from esophageal cancer. The doctors were so understanding and examined me in depth.  I've got Laryngitis, the doctor was lovely, I saw a student docto

 I've been bad since i put my patch on, well that's what i put it down to but thinking about it i was feeling unwell hours before but you know how the mind works.. After doing covid tests everyday to rule out getting that for a 2nd time it turns out i've got tonsillitis, never had this in my 37 years of being alive so wtf! I can only assume my immune system is low from the cancer then covid and to be honest i just feel so run down, i had a cry last night, kissed my dads ashes and told him how much i miss him. It's nearly 10 months without him, the glue to the family, the glue to my life, life in general is so hard without him, my days are lonely not hearing off him like i used to everyday and the nights are the worst. I battle everyday and night with him not being here, i've never felt heartbreak like im feeling. My sleeping is no better been on the Amitriptyline, i just give up on ever having more than 4 hours sleep, this must just be me from now on 😓

I've been wanting to write on my blog but I've been stuck as to how I write about how I'm feeling, I'm really struggling with how much I miss my dad & every ailment I have i keep thinking my cancer has come back. I'm suffering with sciatica which keeps coming and going on the right hand side of my back, my mind automatically thinks I've got cancer in my back. I've had a constant headache since having covid, I take paracetamol on a daily basis. I don't like taking tablets unless I really need to. Dad always said don't take them unless needed or your body will get used to them and not work. I had some money from an insurance policy because I was covered if I ever had cancer, I may be morbid because I've been paying it for 12 years and life insurance but look now.. I've had cancer and a payout.  I've booked to go New York for my birthday in January as a treat to myself and the first thing I thought about was 'imagine jumping off the

Still trying to get my head around the fact I'll never see my dad again, I've woken up feeling sick with griefe.  I keep trying to remember dad before the cancer, when he was loving life but I'm struggling, all I am remembering is the cancer version of dad, the dad that was starving due to the cancer blocking his throat, the dad that opened his car door when we went food shopping to be sick because of the chemo, the dad I sat with day and night and watched as he took his last breath 💔  I want the old visions back, my healthy dad, the drunk dad dance he used to do, I just want my dad back 😢