Cancer, Depression and Me.

I was diagnosed with having PTSD today, i've got to have Trauma Therapy.  PTSD because over 3 years on and i still can't process the death of my 55 year old father. He was only 55... How do you get over the death of a parent? You don't. I will never get over the death of my father.

I know my dad wouldn't want me living like I do, he would want me to continue life & I'm really trying to do that but, I'm plagued with grief.. I'm not only grieving my dad's death, I'm grieving my future without him, I'm grieving for my children missing out on having my dad in their life. My dad was an amazing man and I don't think I will ever truly come to terms with his death.

Ive coome to realise, im numb to everything around me. Its like I dont have a care in the world. I mean the only things I care about are my children, other than them, im done with this life. I wonder if we do come back in another life? I hope we dont.. You know, losing my father has had a bigger impact on my life than I realise. It has destroyed me as a person, I dont know who I am without my dad. How do I find me?? Im on a healing journey, ive accepted the fact thatll ill never be truly happy again, I will never get over my fathers death. I use to be so loud and out going and now I dont like speaking to anyone. Im a shell of a person. I hope one day im blogging about how happy I am....

You know, I was 40 last month and I didn't even receive a card off my mum. It's playing on my mind. It doesn't usually bother me but I thought with my dad not being alive and I was turning 40.. oh well. Anyway, I started taking Lions Mane capsules, they're meant to help with depression. So anyway I've been taking them about a week.. how do I feel? Just numb all the time. I'll let you know if there's even a slight mood enhancement. 

I realise every time my 4 boys are all under the same roof, just how blessed I am. I don't see it when I'm sat alone through the week going out of my mind. Intrusive thoughts about suicide, but come the weekend, it makes me realise why I'm alive. Seeing my children. I will always choose life for them, regardless of how dead I am inside, we do it for our babies don't we?.. When my kids are around me I genuinely smile, I don't smile anymore and if I do it's a fake smile I wear outside the house. When I'm around my children, I don't have to fake my smile, they are my reason to smile. So today, I am happy.

We take time for granted, I personally never thought in a million years I'd lose my father to cancer. My father was my world, I imagined he'd be here and I'd get to see him grow old. I never ever thought he'd be taken away from me. I wish I'd of told him I loved him more, I wish I had more time to spend with him. If I'd of known that I'd only have him for a short time, maybe I'd of done more, said more. We really never know when our time is going to come to an end. I need to find myself and build a life for myself before its too late. I'm struggling in life, really struggling. I'm so lost, I feel I don't belong. I don't think I'll ever be a happy version of me since the death of my father. I know he wouldn't want me living like this but how do I change my life when I feel I don't belong? The only positive thing I can think of everyday, is that I woke up to see my children another day. I do feel blessed don't get me wrong b

This though..

So I met my sister this morning, we went for coffee and breakfast, it was nice. I was only out an hour then I was ready go home. Ive not felt well the past couple of days so didnt really want leave the house but, I forced myself because I know it did me some good been out. I wake up and all I can think about is going back sleep. I prefer to be in a constant dream than live with the emptiness I feel being in this world. I prefer being asleep, theres always a chance my dad will visit me.. How sad is it that I wake up everyday and then wish it was bed time all over again? Sleep is my escape from the world we live in. I feel like I dont belong.

So its the 1st of February, I promised myself id have a better year but, I spent the whole of January alone and depressed.. Things im going to do in February, firstly, im going to think of positives that have come out of my day. So today a positive is, I woke up to see my children another day. As much as I think I want to die, I actually dont, its just the intrusive thoughts I have to deal with. Id love to die so I can see my father again but who would love and care for my chikdren the way I do??? I couldnt bare the thougth of my children feeling the way I do because of the loss of a parent and that, that right there, is what keeps me going. Im meeting my sister tomorrow, I dont see her often and id love to say im looking forward to it, I mean im looking forward to seeing my sister but the leaving the house part is the problem. Ive become that much of a recluse, I dont leave the house unless I have to, like the school run for example, im straight there, then straight back home.. Anyway