Cancer, Depression and Me.

So, I started this medication last night, after about 10 minutes I was asleep. I woke up once for the toilet and then straight back sleep. I've never slept that well, ever.. The only problem is, today, I don't feel myself. I feel jittery inside, if that sort of makes sense. I lost my balance when I first got out of bed and saw yellow blobs of colour on the floor. I feel like my body is going faster than my thoughts. It's hard explain but I'm sure you know what I mean, anyway, let's hope my body gets use to this new medication and I start to feel better. xoxo 

Not sure if I've mentioned before the medication I already take, but since I was a teenager, I've taken various antidepressants. The past few years though I've been taking 300mg a day of Venlafexine, now I've been diagnosed as having Chronic Depression (Manic Depressive) I start Olanzapine (Antipsychotic, Mood Stabilisers) tonight. I am praying that these improve my existence, because I really am struggling to get through each day. 

Jesus take the wheel, because I can't do this on my own.

Last night, well from 4pm onwards, my mental health spiraled out of control.  4, yes 4 times I tried to ring the Mental Health Access Team out of hours, when someone finally answered, basically the lady told me to drink some water and that my dad's death was nature!!! Nature, drink water? Is she fucking for real??!!!!! After raising my voice, trying to explain how low I felt and that my dad was only 55 years old and how I'd had cancer after his death, she proceeded to tell me about her father that had died... not being funny but fuck off!!!! Apparently she couldn't see him as he was in his home country..  like I already said 'Fuck Off'!!! I didn't ring out of hours for help, to be told to drink fucking water, and that my fucking dad dying age 55 was part of life, stupid bitch!!! How these people get a job is beyond me because I can get more empathy from my 6 year old son. Absolutely disgusted!! Unless you've walked in my fucking shoes and lived how I have si

 I am trying my best to stick around for my children but right at this very moment, as i write this, i want to die. I've never hated life so much.  I can't seem to do anything right, all i do is cook, clean, wash the dishes, wash/dry/iron the boys clothes and pay bills that are sky high. ... and this is meant to be life???????? I've got no social life anymore, i don't see a single person until i do the school run. I don't drink alcohol, well because if i did, i can guarantee you'd have attended my funeral already. I have been treated like shit from the age of 17, all my young adult life has been ruined and any bit of love i've had shown towards me, gets snatched away because i'm not important enough. My mums side of the family have disowned me because of my mental health, my brother has cut me dead, roughly 8 months ago and he was my best friend along with my Dad. My mum tries help me but i don't think she really understands the depth of my illness.

Sat crying as per usual 😢  My dad passing away, I died with him. I must of, because life since, has been a blur.