Cancer, Depression and Me.

For some reason I can't upload videos.. So the video was basically me, crying, hit rock bottom 😢  I had two choices going through my head.. Suicide or getting help.. I chose the latter.  It will be a year for my dad tomorrow, I've got a doctors appointment Tuesday and bereavement counselling assessment Wednesday.  I can do this!! Next year when I watch that clip back I want to be in a happy place xoxox

Not been on here for a while, I'd say the past 3-4 weeks I've hit rock bottom with my metal health. I feel like I'm rapped in a dark hole I can't see a way out of, it's not a nice place to be. I made a video about a week ago of just how low I was feeling & since then I watched it back & some days are hard & some days I say to myself 'get dressed & get some fresh air'..'get out of this house Ann-louise'. It really is easier said than done though! I've started having panic attacks when doing the school run, I won't leave the house to go the shop alone. Sounds dumb right? Yeh I know but I can't stop what's happening. It's torture, this isn't living life, this is serving & trying my damn best to be "happy" In 4 days it will be a year since my best friend, my dad took his last breath 💔  As the year has gone on its gotten so hard to come to terms with the fact, I will never see him again until my time

How long does the grieving process last? Asking for my self... It's over 11 months, nearly 12 months, nearly a whole year with no dad. November 15th will be 12 whole months of having no dad, no best friend, no soul mate, no one to sit next to my bed when I'm too depressed to get out of it like dad has before, no one to ask me 'mushy peas, why have you cut yourself' 'talk to me', no one to help with my boys, no one to listen to AC/DC with, no one to hug me when I cry, no one to take me to appointments and wait for me to make sure I'm ok and take me home, no one to collect Jesse from school, even though he had cancer and couldn't walk whilst I was at work, no one to call every single day to make sure I was ok because my dad knew how bad my mental health is.. No one.. Treasure every moment of life, like I did with my dad because he was 55 years old and to be taken away that soon makes me so angry and sad. When my dad died, I died inside.

Always struggled with depression but the past 12 months has been so hard, my dad died aged 55 from Esophageal cancer and 5 months after his death I was diagnosed with cancer. After my dad's death, the day I collected his ashes I took enough prescribed sleeping tablets to kill me.. I was sedated & put on breathing equipment... I'm still alive and thank god I am for my 4 children. I struggle every single day with the darkness in my head, I cry to people but they don't understand but I'm still here and still fighting 💗 Stay strong even on the darkest of days xxx

Just sitting thinking after my dad was told he only had months live, how that must of felt.. How when I asked him, what type of funeral he wanted, how he must of felt. I'm sat thinking, how the fuck does anyone answer them questions?? I play the songs he wanted and I remember tears just running down my face, I had to ask but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's been 10 months 2 days without you dad & my heart hurts more every single day 💔 

So as we all know from the past nearly 2 years with covid and lockouts, it's phone appointments with the doctors, I've been continuously bad since having covid and I've only had my first jab, I've had a bad throat for about 5 days now and the past day or so I can't swallow without feeling like my own saliva is struggling get past a lump in my throat, so when the receptionist this morning said I can get you a phone call tomorrow, I was like, ok brill. Then she asked for a brief description of the problem, I said well, I can't swallow without struggling so I've either got tonsillitis or esophageal cancer 😂😂 straight to the point as always haha. All of a sudden I could be seen today.. I explained my problem, then whilst crying explained about my dad's cancer and then my cancer so I'm scared of dying from esophageal cancer. The doctors were so understanding and examined me in depth.  I've got Laryngitis, the doctor was lovely, I saw a student docto

 I've been bad since i put my patch on, well that's what i put it down to but thinking about it i was feeling unwell hours before but you know how the mind works.. After doing covid tests everyday to rule out getting that for a 2nd time it turns out i've got tonsillitis, never had this in my 37 years of being alive so wtf! I can only assume my immune system is low from the cancer then covid and to be honest i just feel so run down, i had a cry last night, kissed my dads ashes and told him how much i miss him. It's nearly 10 months without him, the glue to the family, the glue to my life, life in general is so hard without him, my days are lonely not hearing off him like i used to everyday and the nights are the worst. I battle everyday and night with him not being here, i've never felt heartbreak like im feeling. My sleeping is no better been on the Amitriptyline, i just give up on ever having more than 4 hours sleep, this must just be me from now on 😓