Cancer, Depression and Me.

 You know, the powder whitener you add to coffee, well, as you know I will be a year sober tomorrow, I can't even describe how happy I feel about being sober but I have to give a massive shout out to Costa Coffee for their instant coffee and Coffee Mate for making my coffees taste the bomb! I drink so much coffee now I am sober it's insane, so I know what tastes I like haha. A year sober tomorrow, how did this happen.. It's not easy being sober, people look at you like you're the weird person for not drinking. Alcohol is a massive problem for some people and now I don't drink, I can see everything so much clearer. I watch people go from being happy to in the blink of an eye change into a different person and it's times like this that I am thankful for, because that use to be me. Alcohol ruins lives, it ruined all of my young adult life, I'll be 39 in 10 days, a lot of my life I have been under the influence of alcohol. I said before, it's not easy stayin

 Guess what I have planned for tonight? Nothing. Nothing at all. I will be seeing 2023 in alone. Don't be sad for me, the majority of people getting together tonight have probably slagged each other off throughout the year, then they'll act fake and make resolutions they won't even stick to, whereas me, I spent 2022 alone so going into another year alone really doesn't faze me. I will be a whole year sober tomorrow, I never, ever thought I'd be sober. Some days are so fucking hard though, it's not easy being sober. 2022 nearly took me out mentally, I am blessed to be seeing in 2023, plus, I won't have a hangover from hell tomorrow so that is a bonus. I find myself uncomfortable around people in drink, I've become scared of people in drink. Not scared but.. oh I don't know, I just know I'm not comfortable. So what does 2023 have instore for me?? I'm just going to take each day as it comes, surely there can't be any more death because I'

I didn't drink. I so wanted a drink, so god damn bad, I very nearly ruined my life by having a stupid drink. I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. Do I want a drink today? I'd give my right arm for a drink today, I'm having a bad mental health day but I promise I won't drink because if I do ill kill myself. All morning I've wanted to die, I've cried and I've screamed out aloud. I just want to fucking die!!! I'm stronger than this disease, depression won't win!!!

I'm sat crying because I want a drink, I wish I was joking but I'm not. I'm nearly a year sober but today I really want a drink. I want to go out drinking and dancing like everyone else but I can't!!! I've had to come straight on my blog to write about how I'm feeling or ill end up drinking and ruining everything I've worked hard staying sober for, like my sanity. I'm sat crying over alcohol!!! I need to give my head a wobble!!!!  I'm pathetic!!

It has been a while, I'm currently dosed up on flu medication because my body aches. I feel so unwell but on a positive note, I'm still alive and I am still sober. Nearly a year sober, can't believe it.

 I started work 4 days ago; I will be honest I wasn't entirely sure I was ready to be working but it's an hour a day at Jesse's school. Lunch time supervisor. It's got to be the most rewarding and at the same time tiring job I have ever done. I applied for the job, and I left it at that. I got the job; I have now done 4 days (it's Saturday today, I started Tuesday) the time flies because it is none stop. Seeing my Jesse's face light up when he saw me in his dinner hall was the best, makes the 6 trips to and from the school a day all worthwhile, not just that but I'm starting to get my independence back, it's small steps but I'm heading in the right direction. I'm hitting nearly 1400 steps a day, so not only is this little job helping my mental health it's doing the world of good for my health too. win, win I would say. I knew I wanted to help people and now I do, I help little people. How my life has changed and for the better might I add. I