Still trying to get my head around the fact I'll never see my dad again, I've woken up feeling sick with griefe. I keep trying to remember dad before the cancer, when he was loving life but I'm struggling, all I am remembering is the cancer version of dad, the dad that was starving due to the cancer blocking his throat, the dad that opened his car door when we went food shopping to be sick because of the chemo, the dad I sat with day and night and watched as he took his last breath 💔 I want the old visions back, my healthy dad, the drunk dad dance he used to do, I just want my dad back 😢
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Covid
Day 5 of having Covid, no taste, no smell, voice is going, I feel sick if I stand too long, sweating the infection out whilst also dripping with sweat due to hot flushes due to going through the menopause 😢 2020 & 2021 can f@#k off!! Life, you can keep trying your best to knock me down but I just keep coming back stronger & stronger 👊🏼👊🏼👊🏼
After seeing my consultant yesterday & being examined inside and out 👀 everything's looking good!! He's given my a number for the cancer nurse to ring if i have any pains or bleeding etc then i'll be rushed in for a scan which is so reassuring! I'm finally being put on HRT which i really need.. These hot sweats are something else, my sleeping is worse so now i'm taking Amitriptyline at night which still isn't helping 😓😓 Wouldn't wish insomnia on anyone, it's horrible. His words "don't let anyone whos just had an Hysterectomy and not cancer related tell you its the same" he said it's major surgery and alot more happens than just the removal of, the uterus etc, especially with the pelvic lymph nodes going too... I told him how i felt like i was dying after, i'd rather push a baby out than ever have to go through that again.. i mean i won't be pushing no babies out as i don't have the facilities to even make one 😁 An
I've got a follow up appointment this month, August 18th, i guess that will be to see how i've healed etc.. lets hope they don't ask me how i've been feeling because they may have to extend my appointment once i start talking 😆😆😆 I'm going back college tomorrow to try and finish my Diploma off, 7 more assessments and i'm done, my hearts not really in doing anything any more but i want to make my dad proud so i'm determined finish and pass it all, he said when he had cancer "go to college, i'll be ok" i had so much time off with dads cancer and his death, i eventually went back and caught up with things then i had cancer and fell behind again so they have extended it through the summer, so i can complete my course which i'm so grateful for. My attendance is shocking due to 2 lots of cancer but im proud of how far i got before i to leave to have surgery. I was so close to completing when my friends did, i cried when i had to say goodbye