April 5th Saturday.

Not long got home from taking Jasper and Jesse-John to watch the Minecraft movie. This morning I told my mum I was taking the boys the cinema to watch it and she said she might take my brothers kids watch it through the holiday, my brothers kids live with my mum, but anyway, I decided ask her if she wanted come with me today. I expected her to say no because she suffers with her anxiety too, but she didn't, she said yes. So I met my mum at the Odeon and we all watched it together. It was so nice all being together, was nice to see the kids too because I don't see alot of them. It's been a good evening. The movie was good, not something I'd personally choose to watch but I enjoyed it and the kids loved it and that's the main thing. Seeing their little faces smiling as they were watching made my heart melt. Its times like this that I'm thankful I'm still alive.

Depression will probably take my life one day unless I get better mentally. It's days like today that give me hope.

Like I've said before, I'm ok when my mind is occupied, it's when I sit on my own through the day, staring at my sons ashes, that's when my day goes dark and the intrusive thoughts start. To have to battle with suicidal thoughts ontop of depression and grief is torture. The only thing that gets me through each day, is the thought of my kids feeling the way I feel after losing my son and my dad. I couldn't bare to leave them in pain. They're already in pain after losing their big brother, I fight for my life for them. 

I'm getting up early tomorrow and I'm going to church. I've said before, but I love being in church. The peace I feel inside for them 2 hours is amazing. I feel closer to God when I'm there. The people that go are just normal people but filled with love. I go to church because I found faith after the death of my father, and then to lose Jay-Dee brought me closer to God. I feel safe in church, I feel loved and the bad thoughts in my head disappear, only for 2 hours, but they vanish and I'm filled with love, and that's why I go to church. It's my safe place, if that makes sense. I feel comfort and secure. Its an amazing place to be when you're in a dark place like me.

I pray everyday for strength and I'm still here so I'm doing something right. Its not for everyone, but it's definitely for me. Not long now until I am baptised, I'm so nervous that I'll be submerged under water with everyone watching but, I'm also excited to be closer to God. I bet you think I've lost my mind, I've thought it too, but like my mum said, if it makes me feel better then go to church. So I do and it makes me feel better.

Anyway, it's take away night on a Saturday because Jasper comes to stay so we're getting a Domino's pizza. Roll on when my Mounjaro comes and suppresses my appetite.