April 4th Friday.

I'm still trying to come to terms with my sons death. Some days it doesn't feel real that he's no longer here. I keep expecting him to walk through the door after his day at work. My heart aches for my child. I miss him more than anything. I'd do anything to see his face again, but instead I sit here looking at his urn on my fire place. We're in April already and on June 2nd it will be a year since he's passed away. I ask myself how I've made it this far in life because I am morbidly depressed and I'm grieving. 

How am I continuing with life? My dad's death destroyed me, but losing a child, I can't even put it into words how devastating it is. 

Not a day goes by where I don't think about my son and my dad. Every day I'm filled with deep sadness, my heart aches.

I had a shit day yesterday, I didn't go the cafe because Jensen took me school morning and afternoon bless him. He was off work so it was nice of him take me school and Asda to get some shopping.

Today my brother has been, but he's gone home now and I'm sat thinking about my son. My mind needs occupying. I've just done some washing and pegged it out. It's 5 past 7 so bit late be pegging washing out but it's not given rain out so it'll be fine drying over night. I'm taking Jasper and Jesse the cinema tomorrow to watch the new Minecraft movie so that'll keep me busy for a few hours and I'm definitely going church this Sunday.

I've had a bath and got in fresh pj's. Life's pretty shit. I've washed my hair and loads of hair has come out. It's going so thin. I wonder if I'm losing hair because I'm depressed, is that even a thing? I've been going through the Menopause for 4 years, I'm on HRT but it's only the past few months that I'm losing loads of hair. In fact it got worse after Jay-Dees death. Can you lose hair through grief? Who knows, all I know is I'm going end up bald.

I smelt my brothers cider earlier, I could of easily drank it but I didn't. I do miss drinking some times. I don't think id dare drink again, it would make me feel so ill I'd imagine. People ask me how I've stayed sober after losing my child, and in all honesty, I've not got a clue. It's not been easy I know that.

Anyway, I'll let you know what the movie is like tomorrow. 

Still haven't started Mounjaro yet, it's still not arrived, but I'll keep you updated.