Cancer, Depression and Me.

June 28th 2022 Just found this in the 'notes' on my phone.. Maybe my dad didn't come back as a Robin, I'd like to think he's amongst all the beautiful birds that visit me daily. I just know he's up in the sky watching over me. Flying high and care free, and that's just how i long to be. 

I wake up, I go to sleep Repeat Repeat Repeat  The days start to merge into one. As soon as I'm awake the next thing I know, I'm getting back into bed, It's like I'm just drifting through each day, like I'm being guided, I must be, because I'm not sure how I'm getting through this shit show we call life  ;

Yesterday I had intrusive thoughts.. Today I forced myself leave the house and go a friends bbq.. I laughed whilst having a water fight, I smiled whilst having conversation, I stayed sober which was my 1st ever sober bbq, I tried the water slide & today I didn't want to die. I saw a glimpse of that light at the end of that tunnel, so I know it's there.  I need to remember today, on those dark days I have, because I realised today that what if one day, a dark day defeats me and today I only just realised that there is hope for me? What a sad end that would be 😢

Having a really bad day, fucking sick of crying 😢  I can't put my new bike together and all I can think is my dad would of done this for me. I've got no one at all in my life and I'm lower than low at the moment.  I can't do this anymore, I'm just so unhappy 😞  Not sure how long I can 'stay strong for the kids' anymore. It's fucking hard work battling every day. It's like groundhog day every single day. Bet people talk about me and how much I cry.  I'm just not happy anymore and I'm sick of faking my smile, so people leave me alone. These dark days just keep rolling over, I scream out but its like no one hears me anymore 😪 

https://fundraise.cancerresearchuk.org/page/ann-louises-race-for-life-13

I just looked at my dad's canvas on the livingroom wall and said 'how are you even dead, it doesn't make sense'. Like I knew it would happen, but I'm struggling to understand what the fuck has happened since you were diagnosed in 2019. I'm in 2022 and I've got no memory really of how I've made it to 2022...