Cancer, Depression and Me.

Bereavement Counselling with Dove, I hate Tuesdays 😭😭😭 On Sunday, I had a really bad day mentally.  I cried, I had a panic attack and I cried again. That night I nearly admitted myself into the Harplands. It's Tuesday now and I know how I'm going to be feeling the rest of the day 💔😢 When will all this end, when will I finally feel happy again?!💔

Never related so much to the lyrics.. I'm tired & bored with myself. Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. I've had a few positive days, i've smiled.. then the depression hits hard!! So sick and tired of being sad, i'm 38 years old and it's not normal for my children to see me cry so much, it's just not fair on them! I just want my fucking dad back!!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭 So fed up today. I've cried prepping my Sunday lunch for my boys, i then had a panic attack to the point i had to go sit on the floor outside until i could breath again.. & this is my life???? How is living like this life...

So since I last wrote, I've now had 2 Bereavement sessions with Dove & I've had 2 meetings with my psychiatrist.  My life is still a complete mess when it comes to my mental health.. I'm pained everyday with horrible intrusive thoughts about suicide, I won't do it because it's selfish to my children who I love more than life it's self, but I do often wonder if one day it'll happen and that will be the end of this existence I live. If I had to describe how I'm feeling right now, I would say, my head is literally just above water so to speak. I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm waking up each day not knowing how ill be feeling that day. I've always suffered with "low mood" as the doctors use to say, it wasn't a low mood, I was fucking depressed and now it's even worse. The amount of times in the past, since I was younger I've overdosed or slit my wrist/stomach is unreal. I should of probably been sectioned and gotten th